Difficult patch

I'm coming out of a very difficult few weeks. I guess it all started when I was in my girlfriends wedding. I had to wear an orange dress and I just didn't feel comfortable. I was in LA where everyone is skinny and it's all about looks and...I should've come home and debriefed, but I didn't and I guess I began to internalize and feel bad about myself. This sparked a three week eating binge. Seriously I was out of control. I was eating twix and ice cream and pizza for five days straight. I was feeling sad and empty and overwhelmed. Even though my dreams were coming true in terms of my book and cd being completed, something in me was going on self-destruct mode. How could I be on the verge of accomplishing so much but still not believe I was worthy> Waht would people think if htey knew the truth? I hid my insecurities and shame beneath the food that I continued to consume. I didn't go shopping for the past three weeks and we ate fast food for every meal. I know the only way to ensure that this never happens again is to come clean. I am not the only one who is struggling with weight and food and image and control. I felt so raw about my divorce, and still loving my ex-husband, and my father, our relationship was getting closer but them I wasn't telling him that I no longer lived in the house that he owned, and as I came clean about that I risked his rejection and being rejected was the worst thing for me right now.

I don't think about people rejecting the book and CD because I wrote this primarily for myself, it was theraputic and cathartic, but the personal sense of failure and rejection from another divorce and from the ups and downs of my relationship with my father pushed me back to my consummate friend: food. Only this time food was not my friend, it threatened to send me into bad health and misery. When I realized that the barrage of emotions were primarily stemming from my impending one year wedding anniversary, I was able to reach out for help- to my new boss as work: Nancy Hood. She helped me call and make an appointment with a nutritionist. A tearful confession to Troy Rice led to more clarity and understanding. He urged me to just go to the grocery store, which I had adamately avoided for three weeks. Take it step by step. Sure enough, as hard as it was to go to the grocery store (after going to Wendy's one last time) it has turned the tide. I've been fast food-free for three days today and honestly I feel so much better: mind, body and spirit.

When you think you have conquered, something rears it's ugly head to show you that you are STILL a work in progress. I'm determined to beat what I see as an addiction once and for all.

Dealing With my Weight-220

Well, by now you all know my list of accomplishments, and my list of failures. Most of the failures I have dusted myself off, picked myself up and kept it moving. But now it's time to confront something I do not want to blog about. My weight. I am currently 220 on a 5' 3" frame. That makes me Obese- with a BMI of 39 (30 and over is obese). I read a statistic yesterday that 81.6% of Black women are overweight and 53.9% obese. Sure we look good but we are dying. I love that Tupac phrase from keep your head up "dying inside/but outside your looking fierce." That describes so many of us. I have to do something about my weight. Everytime I go to the Dr. I hold my breath while I get my blood pressure taken wondering if this will be the time it will go above 120/80. The last time I had my sugar read, I cried, thinking of the whole pack of butter cookies I ate while on a trip to NYC. I was relieved when once again I got a pass, but how long with the grace and mercy last? I'm ready to do something. All year I've been inconsistently working on my weight and growing frustrated that nothing has "worked." I look smaller but the scale insists that I'm the same weight as when I started being vegetarian, working out on the wii, eating one meal a day, cutting out fast food, cutting out soda (for a minute). But the frustration of not seeing the results pushed me back into the "regular" eating habits we enjoy as Americans: fast food, soda, snacks, late night dining, no exercise, etc.

How is today any different from any other day? I have you. And I believe that this will speak to some of you and motivate you to join me in doing something. I know Shuida, Drea, Lashunda have all been working hard and maybe we just need each other to motivate, to know that in the words of the late MJ: "You are not alone, I am here with you." (OK maybe that was corny) Anyway, let me know how you feel via FB or blog. I'm detoxing- and doing the 50 million pound challenge, and I read Dr. Ian's latest (and best) book: the 4 Day Diet. Anybody wanna join me in reversing the trend?

What a Difference a Week Makes

I had a health crisis this week. This time last week I was in a hotel at Vassar College suffering from anemia, leg cramps, charlie horses, shortness of breath, hives, asthma, and severe allergies. I was at the bottom of my game. It was definitely a wake up call. Since I separated from my husband I have been using food to nurse my wounds: turning to too many burgers from Steak and Shake, soda, pizza, and anything that brought comfort. But all that came to a halt this Monday. Motivated by Vassar Grads Toya Lilliar and Yolanda Sabio who both have had amazing weight loss success I decided to unlearn the bad and remember the good things I know about nutrition and exercise. I read Dr. Ian Smith's "4 Day Diet" book which addresses a lot of the emotional components of obesity. I had to acknowledge that I was obese with a BMI of 39 and a starting weight of 220. I had to get on the Wii Fit, something I have been dreading since I bought it in February and look at those numbers on my flat screen TV. It was humbling and sobering, yet I love my body, it has served me well over these years and it deserves better fuel and energy sources. I read in Dr. Ian's books that people take better care of their cars than they do their bodies. We never give our car anything but gasoline even when we are pressed for time or have financial constraints. Yet we reach for depleting and undervalued food when we are hungry rather than the foods we know are best for our welfare. Getting a glucose reading yesterday and waiting for the results and praying that I wasn't diabetic (like my mom, paternal grandmother and a close friend) was tough. I shed tears and whispered prayers and promises to both God and myself. I watched the blood pressure reading rise to 143/83 and thought of the salt I had been intaking over the past couple of weeks. We must be more mindful, proactive, and take better care of our temples.

This was a wake up call for me. I never want to feel this bad again, ever. So I pressed and Detoxed this week. It wasn't that hard after the first two days. I just thought about the alternative, feeling bad, looking bad, and getting used to it and I decided to persevere. That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger. But we shouldn't just be getting stronger, we should be getting smarter. And taking care of this body is smart! And it feels good!

It's About Time to Write

Coming out of a fog is always difficult. You forget what things look like without seeing them through the thick patch in front of you. I'm still processing what my fog was, but it was real and it was transparent, and hard to catch...But real nevertheless. Now, here I am on the other side, seeing things fresh and new, wondering how I got here (again) but feeling comfortable in myability to keep it moving. My facebook status yesterday was "better to have loved and have lost than to never have loved at all." I'm not sure I subscribe to that philosophy overall but it's where I was yesterday. My most recent love took my heart to Israel and Auswitz and back to the hood. A love so simple, yet so complicated, mired with problems with language, culture, race, religion, economics, social strata- you name it. But we took a chance on love, we gambled and won in the short term but lost in the long term. For once, I have a man who's not the bad guy. It just wasn't meant to be in this lifetime. He was a young man without kids who wanted a big family, but couldn't really handle raising kids that weren't his. He didn't know it was a problem until we were this far into it and I'm glad we realized it before anyone (he) got hurt.

My kids are my life force, and as much as I loved being in love and being loved, it was empty at the end of the day if it wasn't the best thing for my kids. My partner wasn't sure he wanted to stay in America, anyway and is making plans to return to Israel post-divorce. Facebook has turned into such a large part of my life that it was an ordeal yesterday to delete his pictures from my page. It was almost ceremonial- erasing him from the place he occupied for such a brief but meaningful time. And now I'll throw myself into my kids, my work, my scholarship, my purpose, hoping that I'll get another stab at love.

This time I'll know and more importantly EXPECT so much more!

Back on Track!

It's been nearly a year since I blogged and so much has happened it will take weeks to catch up. In the meantime, I wanted to clear my head about something I've been wrestling with: my weight and my finances. For the past three years I have gotten so much of my life together: I finally passed the bar exam!!!! Returned to Graduate School and got married to the man of dreams. It has been a great time, the kids are getting bigger and smarter and I feel great about my life. However, I still don't feel that I have a handle on my weight or my finances. I'm not at my largest size, neither am I at my smallest. I'm in a weight that has been comfortable for me, but my body is not comfortable. I have backaches, headaches, I'm tired a lot and walking across campus is a strain. As a result, I have been trying to do something about it. I guess that's been the problem: I've been trying but not doing. I remember one time at Landmark Forum when the leader said there's no such thing as "trying:" you either do it or you don't. So today is the day I am doing something.

The issues I am facing are thus:
1) Discipline
2) Consistency
3) Joy in the process
4) Healthy Role Models
5) Small rewards for small success

I didn't grow up playing sports, or playing much in the backyard. Exercise comes hard to me. I joke that after slavery, I'm still tired. All that free labor, I just want to chill. But I have to work on my body in order to have a body that will benefit me for the future. Just like anything else, it will be a habit if you just do it consistently. That is point two: exercise sometimes hurts, and due to our pain avoidance once I have experienced pain, my goal is to avoid the source of that pain. So, I have often exercised one day gotten all excited over it and never done it again. Finding joy in the process means doing exercises that are fun. I bought my kids a Wii over Christmas break and I have been playing tennis, baseball and bowling. I also got Dance Revolution which is a good workout too. Now, if I could just get consistent with using all the tools I've invested in- I'd get somewhere. Having healthy role models means having people around that reinforce the need to make healthy choices on a daily basis. It means seeing people like Taishya Adams, Kim Davis and Ashley Koff who have transformed their bodies and taken control of their lives in amazing ways. It is obvious how much eating live foods affects your mind, body and soul. There is a glow and a radiance that comes from feeding yourself the foods that contribute to life and not death.

Finally, I've decided to reward myself for my effort. Every week that I work out consistently, I will put away $10 and I have asked my husband to contribute $10. This money will go towards my new clothes that I will buy for my birthday. It is 30 days away and if I can work on these things for the next 30 days I can take control of my weight forever!

It's Over Now

I have been in a storm for what seems like years now. 2004 was the last time I can remember just chilling. Since then it's been like a hustle todos los dias! Back in '04 I graduated from law school, prepared to pass the Bar Exam, I was secure in my marriage, my church home, my faith, my family. It was all good. Then in an instant it was all bad. What a difference a day makes...

First I failed the bar
Then George Bush was elected president (illegally, again)
Then I was ostracized from my church family for openly speaking out against the Republicans use of the church for votes
Then I left my church home of 5 years
Then my husband wanted to stay at the church that I had decided to leave
Then I found a new, wonderful church home
Then my son had surgery for sleep apnea
Then my husband left for Greece for the summer, although I was totally opposed to the idea for spiritual, physical, financial, and educational reasons
Then my daughter was diagnosed with epilepsy (around this point, my friend Gabrielle emailed me and said how much more can you take??? NEVER say that to someone going through a storm)
Then my husband left
Then I got divorced
Then I lost my job
Then I failed the bar again
Then I got pregnant with twins by someone I didn't want to marry
Then I was put on bedrest for five weeks
Then the twins were born at 27 weeks (but they survived- a silver lining in the clouds)

Since the twins were born I have maintained, not necessarily anymore obvious drama, but little storms here and there. Just this year:
I battled the flu for three weeks (the kids were sick for two weeks)
Studied for and took the bar exam again
Had my car hit by an uninsured motorist
The whole family got gastrointeritis (after the flu isn't that so unfair, how much bodily fluids can one take?)
Took Grandma to the hospital thinking she had gastrointeritis only to find out my Grandma has Colon Cancer
Helped my Grandma battle Colon Cancer (stage 2- surgery, only treatment)
Had my Mom stay with me for a month (those who know me well will know this may have been a bigger storm than colon cancer)
And finally I have decided, willed, prayed, and declared that
THE STORM IS OVER!!!!

In the last week, I've had some wonderful things happen to me:
I won a fellowship to pay for my Graduate School education
I wrote a proposal for an organization which rec'd a $12K grant
I passed the Professional Responsibility part of the Bar Exam
I had a great visit from the children's father
My mother went back home
My father and I reconnected in a major way
I dealt with anger and did not sin.
And I am still here, laughing, smiling and believing that the best is yet to come...

Maybe I can't control the storms that come but I can control the altitude I choose to fly. I fly as high as I can, close to the SON where I know I'll be safe. It's not by strength but through Christ that I am able to stand, love, create, and hope. I will love again, Ihope to share my life in marriage with the man of my dreams (I hope you are reading, dear), and I hope to raise the most amazing set of children that Columbus, Ohio has ever seen. I cannot do that without a higher power leading, guiding, teaching, and healing me through it all.

This is my last blog under "Soaring Through the Storm" it was a long steady shower, with lots of sunshowers along the way. But it's time to the sun to come out and stay for a while. So, join me on my other blog: blackgirlsong.blogspot.

My friend Kim told me I live to be the Phoenix rising from the ashes. But think of how much you could accomplish if you didnt' always have to rise from the ashes. I didn't get what she was saying then, but I do now. I'm over the Phoenix complex, I just want to do the dang thang. I hope you have learned something from my Storm. Don't let it take this much turbulence to have you fly close to the SON. One Love, Tanikka.

Living Life Like Its Golden

One thing we should have learned by now is that life is too short. We can think of plenty of people who died too young and we shook our heads and thought surely it would never be us. We think of our own mortality and the inevitable ending of those we love the most. But sometimes it is a shock when we have to face losing those people who mean the most to us. This is the way it is with my Grandma. She's 85, which is old to a lot of people. But her mother lived to be 100 years old, so my family has an unnatural idea of how long people should live. However, over the last couple of weeks I was forced to deal with my Grandmother's mortality. I took her to the ER after she seemed to be battling the flu/gastrointeritis. It had hit the whole family but she was having a hard time recuperating. A CT scan of the adominal showed Colon Cancer. Initially, I was in denial and refused to believe that she was that sick. However, after the tumor was removed in surgery two days later, a biopsy confirmed that it was cancer. I've been in shock and trying to deal with the implications of a woman I think is so strong being weak. She came home in a week and is recuperating, but she's not the same Grandma (yet). I remain optimistic, but I also remain dedicated to the fact that each day could be the last (for any of us) and that I need to live each day to the fullest. Who is on your list that you have not called yet, or emailed in a while, or kissed, hugged or spent time with. God is good and always provides what we need when we need it. I'm not saying it has been easy. But each day gets a little easier as I see God's hand carefully guiding my family through yet another storm. I had to return to this blog because 'soaring through the storm' has certainly been the teme for the past few years. In His Love....Nique