Soaring Through the Storm

Another New Year

2012-01-06T17:18:00.004-06:00

My last post was exactly a year ago. I was so confused, things were so foggy. Where was I going to live? Where was I going to work? How was I going to get over not passing my Master's Thesis? What about my marriage? I did a lot of hard work this year and it paid off. I applied to be a Professor at Columbus State in the Paralegal Department, frankly because that was the only place I could teach without a Master's Degree. And guess what? In August I started as an Adjunct Professor at Columbus State! #Winning. Also, I went back to my first love: working with moms and babies in my community. I started at Columbus Public Health Department at a group I used to work at: Caring for 2. That led me to my current position as Community Advocate or something at Moms 2 B- a position I love.

In April, I moved into a beautiful home where my kids can play in the back yard and ride bikes around the neighborhood. I have an organic garden in my back yard. I love it. And my kids are at great schools. My husband and I have weathered some tough storms together are we are still committed to one another. My life is not perfect and I am not where I want to be, but I'm very, very appreciative of where I am.

I am detailing my struggles with weight loss on my other blog slimnique.blogspot.com. I am currently doing the Love Dare on my husband. Lots of great stuff happening around here. Lots of healing and wholeness and happiness. And lots of appreciation, for my parents, my grandparents and my children.

Starting Place

2011-01-06T10:55:00.005-06:00

It's been over a year since I've written. Had a ton of thoughts since then, but I just haven't been able to put words to paper. Today is that day. It's a new year, the start of a new decade and I've got a lot on my mind today. I feel so overwhelmed, by love and justice and determination. But all around me is chaos and lack of direction. Life feels so complicated and it's hard to find our way through. Today I have to take some time a get some perspective. 2011 just sort of thrust itself upon me. I was busy writing a thesis that did not pass and didn't have time to enjoy the holidays and ponder the advent of another year. Today my focus is on clarity. Not necessarily looking into the future and having a road map of what's coming next, but clarity about the role I play in my own destiny. Will I be able to say, at the end of the day, that I did all that was necessary to achieve my purpose? That is what I am pondering for today. I will update what comes from this focus in the next few days. Think about with me what you were put on this earth to do and what is keeping you from that? What are you willing to do or sacrifice to make your dreams come true?

Carpe Diem

2009-09-03T13:12:00.000-05:00

There comes a point where enough is enough. A point where you get tired of seeing other people do what you only think and dream about doing. There comes a point where you can taste success, you can taste your future, your destiny and you feel a burning in your veins to go for it. This is the point where I am today. Some people call it the point where the rubber meets the road. For years I have struggled with poor physical health (obesity), poor financial health (poverty), and poor sexual health (promiscuity). It is time to take control. I was able to become abstinent while I was pregnant with my twins and for a couple years after they were born, primarily because I was “scared straight” or scared stiff. I had become pregnant with them after being with their father one night- twins, born at 27 weeks, 2.3 pounds, in the hospital for nine weeks, alone. That was enough to halt my sexual appetite for quite a while. The next man I was with was my husband.

However, during the time I was abstinent, my weight ballooned out of control. I am usually 230 a 18/20 but I got up to an all-time high of 260- size 24!!! A place I never want to be again. My neck was fat, my rolls had rolls but I felt happy. I ate whatever I wanted whenever I wanted and used breastfeeding as my excuse. What I didn’t know what that I was eating to mask the feelings I was having about my discontent with myself and the discontent with my situation. That was 2006.

Between then and now I have shed lots of tears and pounds too. I struggle with my love for my (now ex) husband with the seriousness of my role as a mother. I deny myself to get stronger and indulge myself to reward. I love food but I am slowly letting go of my emotional need to eat. It is scary and empowering all at once. I am weigh 220 and wear 14/16.

The hardest days are behind me and slightly in front of me. I still turn to pizza when I’m emotional but I don’t eat a large pie by myself. I am fasting for my emotional, physical and spiritual well being and learning to say no, set boundaries, soar higher.

Because I’ve been able to accomplish so much in my brokenness, a lot of people didn’t see I was broken. But my failed romantic relationships and the pain I’ve caused people because of my anger were signed that all was not well. As I peel back the onion to my pain, the smell is strong, and the desire to run back to my old ways is tempting. But I know that there is Glory and strength and a sense of accomplishment on the other side of this hard work.

So, I exercise, I pray, meditate, do yoga, fast, deny my body, turn down sex, hang up the phone when I feel the conversation leaves my comfort zone, I say no, leave when I want to, get plenty of sleep, stop trying to do it all. I am human, and my body needs to be nurtured. I say “I love you, you are worthy, you are worth the work and the wait.” So when I feel weak, I allow myself to feel weak, I cry into my pillow and even call my ex-husband when I want to hear his voice because I miss him. I discipline my kids in love without feeling guilty and I set healthy boundaries based on my parenting standards, not the worlds. I am okay and I’m getting better everyday. I’m gaining control. And you ain’t seen nothing yet!

Parenting 101

2009-08-11T08:47:00.002-05:00

The Lord is removing the last of the bitterness from my heart. For some reason in the past few weeks, I have had bitterness directed towards my children. For as long as I have been a mother, my children have been the most precious, enduring gift that I have ever encountered. They are as Lauryn Hill says, “The Sweetest Thing I’ve ever known…” But sometime in the last few weeks, I began to feel what many people have said for so long. I’ve begun to look at alternate paths my life could have taken without children. I’ve begun to value other views of success besides the one I currently hold.

The backdrop to this is that conflicts over the children precipitated my last divorce. The issues with the children weren’t the only issue, but they were the insurmountable issue. I felt that I had to be a full-time mother to all three children- period. On the other hand, my ex-husband felt that I should be able to divvy up time between him and the children with very little overlap, even in our home. Needless to say, being all things to all people but nothing to myself led to burn out, anger, and I suppose the seeds to this resentment that had just began to surface in the past few weeks.

What took the issue over the edge was one day when I asked the kids to make sure the house was clean. They were staying home while I was going to work and I came home Tuesday to find the house a mess. The kids were in their room, chillin’, watching TV like they were at Club Med. I was too tired and emotionally exhausted to say anything so I just cleaned up everything. I asked them the next day to make sure they cleaned up after themselves while I was at work and even called when I was on my way home and asked if everything was cleaned up. Imagine my utter surprise when I walked in the house and it was the same scene from the day before! I lost it. Something in my changed. I felt like the kids didn’t respect me and took my feelings and emotions for granted. A wall went up where I shut down some part of me that had always been connected. It was a “me” and “them” feeling. I was so hurt and angry. And their response was to go on like nothing happened afterwards, while I couldn’t have any healthy interactions with them for two or three days.

Finally after spending some time with my friend Ebony, Kalia came home and wrote me an apology letter. Kaissa never did apologize although she mentioned that she wrote me a poem but lost it before she could give it to me. I still kept the wall up until a few nights ago, when talking to my twin sister-in-laws, Aminah and Nzingha, I realized that I was still their mother, and that I had to still fight and struggle for the goodness that I know is within them. I have to hold on to the belief that this too shall pass and that they will acquire the skills necessary to clean up after themselves. What is so frustrating is that literally everyday my son leaves his dirty clothes in the bathroom after taking his nightly shower, my 2^nd daughter leaves her shoes in the middle of the floor when she gets home and my oldest daughter has a pile of dirty clothes on the floor next to her bed. Daily. And I’m exhausted.

So, now I’m trying something new. I’m not sure what it is yet. After talking to Aminah and Nzingha I felt myself reconnecting with the kids yesterday. It doesn't take long to disconnect but it seems like it's such an effort to reconnect. How many people live with kids or spouses that it seems like are on a totally different wave length? How many people eat separately, pray separately, watch TV together but don't even have a conversation during the evening? Reconnecting is a process, but Aminah implored me to pray and ask God to show me how to get the kids to clean up after themselves. Funny, because I taught Vacation Bible School last week and I told the young people that God made us and he also made a manual, and if we ever had questions in terms of dealing with those things God made, we should consult the manual, and if we don’t find the answers, we should consult the maker. And someone else had to remind me of what I had said. So Lord, I’m asking you to continue to guide me in terms of raising my five children in the fear and admonition of you. Help me to make the right decisions, to be a good mother and provider and to walk uprightly before my children. Forgive me of my sins, especially for not forgiving them when they make mistakes. Teach me how to discipline them so they will be responsible for their clothes and room and shared spaces. Put in them the desire to be obedient not only to me but ultimately to you. And help me to teach them your ways and your will so they will write your words on the tablets of their hearts. In Jesus Name, Amen.

The Storm After the Calm

2009-08-04T11:01:00.001-05:00

So, it’s over. The book/CD release celebration is over. Beside the technical difficulties which definitely impacted the enjoyment factor of the event for me-everything else was butter. My presentation came together nicely, the books and CDs were completed timely and the flow was on point. My dreams truly came true on Sunday. All my children were there to enjoy the event and the twins were very well behaved I must say. I was in the dressing room at Ashley Stewart trying on all kinds of stuff (in size 14 I might add!) but in the end, my stylists: Verlene Wright, Shawntay Beckford, and Lakisha Hardin got me outfitted just right. Tre’Vera Anderson and Von Woods got my makeup together with the Asian theme I wanted and I allowed God to use this broken vessel for his glory. The highlight for me was doing “Give ‘em Glory” with LX, Halle, and Nigh. It was an afternoon to remember.

So, Monday. It’s like coming down off a high. Things look different to you and you know you have experienced something great but you have to get back to real life. It comes at your fast and it hits hard. A couple conversations with some male “friends” quickly took me off my high the night of the event and left me with more questions than answers. Can men and women be friends first of all? Especially after they have been intimate…What is the point of the friendship and what about the secret/silent expectations that linger around the interactions. I don’t know but I’m taking a break from talking to any ex-men until I can figure this one out. Last night I had a dream about my first ex-husband it was titillating. I hate when your dreams force you to deal with the physical desire to be intimate when that’s all you try not to think about. OK, it all started yesterday after class when I was driving home and seen this young, dark, hot man jogging down the street with no shirt off. I had to plead the blood to get my mind back from where it went. And Abdur used to have pecs and abs like that so… You get the point. My dream got me off track for a minute. And I am even more determined not to get tangled up in where my hormones and emotions want to go as far as men are concerned.

I am in control: of my weight (what I choose to eat), my emotions, my actions and my finances. This will be my mantra for the next few days. I don’t have to be out of control, or act on my out of control impulses. I can hold on and keep the victory. Ya heard?!

175 vs. 230/1995 vs. 2009/Then and Now

2009-07-21T09:39:00.003-05:00

Think of the time when you were at a weight you were happy with then answer the following questions: (Mine was 1995 before I got pregnant with Kalia when I was at Vassar living in Main Building with Dayhna Carroll)

What foods did you eat then that you no longer eat?

Salads daily

Vegetables daily

No meat

Drink only water

What foods did you eat in abundance?

None- everything was in moderation. If I wanted something like cookies or cake- I’d take a piece, but my palate had changed so much that sweets tasted way too sweet. I couldn’t stomach pop or cake and cookies so it was easy to pass them up. Bad foods made me feel sick immediately after eating them so I didn’t even have a craving anymore.

Three physical activities

Running across campus for no reason (usually just to meet Dayhna after she got out of class)

Jane Fonda Aerobic tape- this thing is so 80s but foreal it’s a lot like dancing so I would just put it on when I was bored after class in the middle of the day and work up a sweat.

Dancing in the mug till all hours of the night! Nuff said…

Three hobbies you enjoy

Socializing with my friends

Dancing

Rapping/Writing rhymes

People places ore things that stress you out

Men

Classroom

Advisors

Where do you get most of your support

Dayhna- she would literally walk up to me and take the cheetos out of my hand, she would pour the soda down the drain. She told me I could do it- that there was a smaller person inside my body waiting to get out. She didn’t let my anger, temper tantrums or pouting keep her from encouraging me to do what was ultimately right for my body. (sans ganja smoke- that was ok, LOL)

How do you regard your physical appearance?

The weird thing about losing so much weight in such a short period of time was that I didn’t recognize myself. I would catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and always be like “who’s that?” I felt alienated from myself in a weird way.

How important is your health?

Well, I was doing other things at the time that were not healthy, so I wasn’t totally caring for my body. And I think my weight loss was more motivated by wanting to be a big time rapper and feeling like I needed to look a certain way. I wasn’t yet thinking about health because my mother’s health problems hadn’t surfaced. All the overweight people in my family up until this time were healthy!

Level of motivation

I had no (real) man, no kids, just school and friends, so there was much more time on my hands then there is now. Also I didn’t have to worry about paying bills (the good old days). But I also had to eat in the retreat or ACDC so my healthy food options were limited.

NOW

What foods did you eat then that you no longer eat?

Meat

Snacks

Pop

Juice

What foods did you eat in abundance?

I eat a lot of carbs in abundance. Like the pack of cinnamon graham crackers I ate the whole pack of…Or the entire bag of microwave popcorn…Or too many pretzels…A few weeks ago when my eating was really out of control I was eating candy bars from the snack machine and pop too a lot. I also started eating ice cream- I don’t even really like ice cream, but the chocolate chip cookie dough with the sugar cone from Clown Cone was the bomb!

Three physical activities

None

Three hobbies you enjoy

Socializing with my friends

Writing

Facebooking

People places ore things that stress you out

Men

Kids who don’t clean up after themselves

Flaky people

Where do you get most of your support

My kids- they are really sensitive to my struggles and are working on themselves in their own ways. I see their responses to my eating ups and downs and it makes me more aware of the long term impact of my bad eating choices.

Facebook: Yolanda Sabio, Toya Lilliard, Nakea Hughes, Andrea Roberts, Kyla Kupferstein Torres, Yolanda Ramos-shot out to my used to be big girls now small(er) girls!

How do you regard your physical appearance?

230 is like my “normal” weight. I feel comfortable at this weight though not the most attractive. I feel a man would have to know me first to be attracted to me physically but that’s safer for me then a man being attracted to my body first because that makes me feel vulnerable.

How important is your health?

The main reason I am losing weight. I don’t do needles so I can’t get diabetes. The only way to prevent diabetes is through diet and exercise- nuff said.

Level of motivation

High, even though I am still under serious time constraints. I may have to (aaaarrrg) start waking up at like 6:30 am just to get my work out in. If I can wind down and get to sleep by 11pm I should be able to do that. But I’m a night owl! So- that’s my hang up right now on exercise. I could also walk around the park while the kids are at football/cheerleading practice… no excuses it’s got to get done.

Dr. Ian Day 2

2009-07-16T09:21:00.001-05:00

What is your current BMI?

What does the chart say is healthy weight for your height?

135-140

What are your bad habits when it comes to exercising/eating right?

Not exercising at all.

Not planning my meals ahead of time.

Eating too many carbs.

Not eating vegetables or fruit.

Not drinking enough water each day.

Not eating breakfast.

Not encouraging my kids to do the same things stated above.

What are your good bad habits when it comes to exercising/eating right?

Umm….

Not eating late at night.

Not buying things that are really bad for me like Ice Cream and junk food.

Buying organic.

Shopping at Trader Joes.

Shopping frequently so that food is always fresh.

When was the last time you were at a weight you were happy with?

1994-1997 before I was pregnant with my second daughter. When I was pregnant with Kaissa I got over 200 pounds and have never been under that since. I did get down to 204 before I got pregnant with the twins but that’s the closest (2005). So when I lost weight it took about 8 months, I worked hard all summer thanks to my roommate Dayhna who would literally take cheetos out of my hands and never let me eat pizza (two of my big comfort foods). She had never struggled with weight so she bid me to do as she did and it worked. By the fall, I was so small people thought I was sick. I was in a size 11 but I looked much smaller. My bra size was 36 C which was perfect. There were no dimples, dents, rolls, it was amazing. Also, I loved doing Jane Fonda workout tapes and I would run across campus just for the fun of it! (I did have a slight substance abuse problem at this time, but that’s for another blog) LOL

4 Day Diet- Day One

2009-07-15T10:13:00.001-05:00

Dr. Ian's new book "The 4 Day Diet" is off the chains. It deals with the emotional aspect of being overweight. He says losing weight is 80% mental and 20% physical. I am going to work through the questions in the book. Join me and write and post your answers (or keep them to yourself). Let's work this weight off on paper and then enjoy the results on our hips and thighs! What's up people?

Why are you currently overweight?

I am overweight because I was raised that food was a panacea. Whenever there was drama at home (and there was lots of drama at home) there was always something to eat to make it feel better. I was offered ice cream after I scraped my knee, McDonald’s after a hard day, Pizza if I got good grades. So I learned that food was attached to feelings, that there was an emotional component to eating. How I’m thinking of it now after reading Dr. Ian Smith’s 4 Day Diet is that food is fuel- there’s nothing emotional about putting gas in a car! Eating should be just eating.

Why have previous weight-loss efforts failed?

Previous weight loss efforts have failed because I want fast weight loss. It is hard to work hard for anything is this society. Me being part of Generation X, which is also the microwave generation is like if I can’t have it with the snap of my finger, I’m just going to keep it moving. I see this in my relationships and my finances and my weight. I have not learned the patience to stick with something even when it doesn’t seem to be giving me the desired results. One example is that I started dieting and exercising in January. By the time I got to April, I was still the same weight, so I partially gave up. What my nutritionist showed me this Monday is that my sugar levels went from 102 to 84 and my cholesterol improved as well, so although I may not have seen the results of my work on the scale, my overall health was improving. If I had stuck with it, weight loss may have come eventually.

How does your weight influence your self-esteem/self-image?

Well, now that I’m single again I definitely think about what Tyrese will think of my body when he meets me. Seriously, I know I’m an attractive woman, but with those chisled abs and biceps what will he think about my grandma arms. Maybe he will want a woman who words just as hard at keeping in shape as he does. He said something in an article in Men’s Health (not that I’m stalking him or anything)- he said “…when you are in shape, you don’t have to tell people that you love yourself.” That’s powerful. And how can you love anyone when you don’t love yourself? And How can you expect someone to love you more than you love yourself. So that’s where I am with the self-esteem thing, I love being plus sized, but the dents, dimples, and flab have got to go!

What are your weaknesses related to sticking to a weight-loss program?

Refer to microwave generation answer above. Planning out meals in advance and not getting caught in the fast food drive thru line is my main thing. If I can plan out the meals and have the food at home and get home in time to cook before I get hungry, I’m cool. But if not- everything is out the window and I’m scrounging for food “just today” not seeing that it’s a pattern and a habit. My days have got to be more structured so I can eat natural, live food made by my hands.

Without weighing yourself or looking at a BMI chart how many pounds away do you think you are from your target weight?

40 pounds

Difficult patch

2009-07-11T19:15:00.002-05:00

I'm coming out of a very difficult few weeks. I guess it all started when I was in my girlfriends wedding. I had to wear an orange dress and I just didn't feel comfortable. I was in LA where everyone is skinny and it's all about looks and...I should've come home and debriefed, but I didn't and I guess I began to internalize and feel bad about myself. This sparked a three week eating binge. Seriously I was out of control. I was eating twix and ice cream and pizza for five days straight. I was feeling sad and empty and overwhelmed. Even though my dreams were coming true in terms of my book and cd being completed, something in me was going on self-destruct mode. How could I be on the verge of accomplishing so much but still not believe I was worthy> Waht would people think if htey knew the truth? I hid my insecurities and shame beneath the food that I continued to consume. I didn't go shopping for the past three weeks and we ate fast food for every meal. I know the only way to ensure that this never happens again is to come clean. I am not the only one who is struggling with weight and food and image and control. I felt so raw about my divorce, and still loving my ex-husband, and my father, our relationship was getting closer but them I wasn't telling him that I no longer lived in the house that he owned, and as I came clean about that I risked his rejection and being rejected was the worst thing for me right now.

I don't think about people rejecting the book and CD because I wrote this primarily for myself, it was theraputic and cathartic, but the personal sense of failure and rejection from another divorce and from the ups and downs of my relationship with my father pushed me back to my consummate friend: food. Only this time food was not my friend, it threatened to send me into bad health and misery. When I realized that the barrage of emotions were primarily stemming from my impending one year wedding anniversary, I was able to reach out for help- to my new boss as work: Nancy Hood. She helped me call and make an appointment with a nutritionist. A tearful confession to Troy Rice led to more clarity and understanding. He urged me to just go to the grocery store, which I had adamately avoided for three weeks. Take it step by step. Sure enough, as hard as it was to go to the grocery store (after going to Wendy's one last time) it has turned the tide. I've been fast food-free for three days today and honestly I feel so much better: mind, body and spirit.

When you think you have conquered, something rears it's ugly head to show you that you are STILL a work in progress. I'm determined to beat what I see as an addiction once and for all.

Dealing With my Weight-220

2009-07-02T08:51:00.002-05:00

Well, by now you all know my list of accomplishments, and my list of failures. Most of the failures I have dusted myself off, picked myself up and kept it moving. But now it's time to confront something I do not want to blog about. My weight. I am currently 220 on a 5' 3" frame. That makes me Obese- with a BMI of 39 (30 and over is obese). I read a statistic yesterday that 81.6% of Black women are overweight and 53.9% obese. Sure we look good but we are dying. I love that Tupac phrase from keep your head up "dying inside/but outside your looking fierce." That describes so many of us. I have to do something about my weight. Everytime I go to the Dr. I hold my breath while I get my blood pressure taken wondering if this will be the time it will go above 120/80. The last time I had my sugar read, I cried, thinking of the whole pack of butter cookies I ate while on a trip to NYC. I was relieved when once again I got a pass, but how long with the grace and mercy last? I'm ready to do something. All year I've been inconsistently working on my weight and growing frustrated that nothing has "worked." I look smaller but the scale insists that I'm the same weight as when I started being vegetarian, working out on the wii, eating one meal a day, cutting out fast food, cutting out soda (for a minute). But the frustration of not seeing the results pushed me back into the "regular" eating habits we enjoy as Americans: fast food, soda, snacks, late night dining, no exercise, etc.

How is today any different from any other day? I have you. And I believe that this will speak to some of you and motivate you to join me in doing something. I know Shuida, Drea, Lashunda have all been working hard and maybe we just need each other to motivate, to know that in the words of the late MJ: "You are not alone, I am here with you." (OK maybe that was corny) Anyway, let me know how you feel via FB or blog. I'm detoxing- and doing the 50 million pound challenge, and I read Dr. Ian's latest (and best) book: the 4 Day Diet. Anybody wanna join me in reversing the trend?

What a Difference a Week Makes

2009-04-25T12:15:00.003-05:00

I had a health crisis this week. This time last week I was in a hotel at Vassar College suffering from anemia, leg cramps, charlie horses, shortness of breath, hives, asthma, and severe allergies. I was at the bottom of my game. It was definitely a wake up call. Since I separated from my husband I have been using food to nurse my wounds: turning to too many burgers from Steak and Shake, soda, pizza, and anything that brought comfort. But all that came to a halt this Monday. Motivated by Vassar Grads Toya Lilliar and Yolanda Sabio who both have had amazing weight loss success I decided to unlearn the bad and remember the good things I know about nutrition and exercise. I read Dr. Ian Smith's "4 Day Diet" book which addresses a lot of the emotional components of obesity. I had to acknowledge that I was obese with a BMI of 39 and a starting weight of 220. I had to get on the Wii Fit, something I have been dreading since I bought it in February and look at those numbers on my flat screen TV. It was humbling and sobering, yet I love my body, it has served me well over these years and it deserves better fuel and energy sources. I read in Dr. Ian's books that people take better care of their cars than they do their bodies. We never give our car anything but gasoline even when we are pressed for time or have financial constraints. Yet we reach for depleting and undervalued food when we are hungry rather than the foods we know are best for our welfare. Getting a glucose reading yesterday and waiting for the results and praying that I wasn't diabetic (like my mom, paternal grandmother and a close friend) was tough. I shed tears and whispered prayers and promises to both God and myself. I watched the blood pressure reading rise to 143/83 and thought of the salt I had been intaking over the past couple of weeks. We must be more mindful, proactive, and take better care of our temples.

This was a wake up call for me. I never want to feel this bad again, ever. So I pressed and Detoxed this week. It wasn't that hard after the first two days. I just thought about the alternative, feeling bad, looking bad, and getting used to it and I decided to persevere. That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger. But we shouldn't just be getting stronger, we should be getting smarter. And taking care of this body is smart! And it feels good!

It's About Time to Write

2009-04-23T16:17:00.002-05:00

Coming out of a fog is always difficult. You forget what things look like without seeing them through the thick patch in front of you. I'm still processing what my fog was, but it was real and it was transparent, and hard to catch...But real nevertheless. Now, here I am on the other side, seeing things fresh and new, wondering how I got here (again) but feeling comfortable in myability to keep it moving. My facebook status yesterday was "better to have loved and have lost than to never have loved at all." I'm not sure I subscribe to that philosophy overall but it's where I was yesterday. My most recent love took my heart to Israel and Auswitz and back to the hood. A love so simple, yet so complicated, mired with problems with language, culture, race, religion, economics, social strata- you name it. But we took a chance on love, we gambled and won in the short term but lost in the long term. For once, I have a man who's not the bad guy. It just wasn't meant to be in this lifetime. He was a young man without kids who wanted a big family, but couldn't really handle raising kids that weren't his. He didn't know it was a problem until we were this far into it and I'm glad we realized it before anyone (he) got hurt.

My kids are my life force, and as much as I loved being in love and being loved, it was empty at the end of the day if it wasn't the best thing for my kids. My partner wasn't sure he wanted to stay in America, anyway and is making plans to return to Israel post-divorce. Facebook has turned into such a large part of my life that it was an ordeal yesterday to delete his pictures from my page. It was almost ceremonial- erasing him from the place he occupied for such a brief but meaningful time. And now I'll throw myself into my kids, my work, my scholarship, my purpose, hoping that I'll get another stab at love.

This time I'll know and more importantly EXPECT so much more!

Back on Track!

2009-02-24T07:14:00.003-06:00

It's been nearly a year since I blogged and so much has happened it will take weeks to catch up. In the meantime, I wanted to clear my head about something I've been wrestling with: my weight and my finances. For the past three years I have gotten so much of my life together: I finally passed the bar exam!!!! Returned to Graduate School and got married to the man of dreams. It has been a great time, the kids are getting bigger and smarter and I feel great about my life. However, I still don't feel that I have a handle on my weight or my finances. I'm not at my largest size, neither am I at my smallest. I'm in a weight that has been comfortable for me, but my body is not comfortable. I have backaches, headaches, I'm tired a lot and walking across campus is a strain. As a result, I have been trying to do something about it. I guess that's been the problem: I've been trying but not doing. I remember one time at Landmark Forum when the leader said there's no such thing as "trying:" you either do it or you don't. So today is the day I am doing something.

The issues I am facing are thus:
1) Discipline
2) Consistency
3) Joy in the process
4) Healthy Role Models
5) Small rewards for small success

I didn't grow up playing sports, or playing much in the backyard. Exercise comes hard to me. I joke that after slavery, I'm still tired. All that free labor, I just want to chill. But I have to work on my body in order to have a body that will benefit me for the future. Just like anything else, it will be a habit if you just do it consistently. That is point two: exercise sometimes hurts, and due to our pain avoidance once I have experienced pain, my goal is to avoid the source of that pain. So, I have often exercised one day gotten all excited over it and never done it again. Finding joy in the process means doing exercises that are fun. I bought my kids a Wii over Christmas break and I have been playing tennis, baseball and bowling. I also got Dance Revolution which is a good workout too. Now, if I could just get consistent with using all the tools I've invested in- I'd get somewhere. Having healthy role models means having people around that reinforce the need to make healthy choices on a daily basis. It means seeing people like Taishya Adams, Kim Davis and Ashley Koff who have transformed their bodies and taken control of their lives in amazing ways. It is obvious how much eating live foods affects your mind, body and soul. There is a glow and a radiance that comes from feeding yourself the foods that contribute to life and not death.

Finally, I've decided to reward myself for my effort. Every week that I work out consistently, I will put away $10 and I have asked my husband to contribute $10. This money will go towards my new clothes that I will buy for my birthday. It is 30 days away and if I can work on these things for the next 30 days I can take control of my weight forever!

It's Over Now

2008-04-28T15:27:00.003-05:00

I have been in a storm for what seems like years now. 2004 was the last time I can remember just chilling. Since then it's been like a hustle todos los dias! Back in '04 I graduated from law school, prepared to pass the Bar Exam, I was secure in my marriage, my church home, my faith, my family. It was all good. Then in an instant it was all bad. What a difference a day makes...

First I failed the bar
Then George Bush was elected president (illegally, again)
Then I was ostracized from my church family for openly speaking out against the Republicans use of the church for votes
Then I left my church home of 5 years
Then my husband wanted to stay at the church that I had decided to leave
Then I found a new, wonderful church home
Then my son had surgery for sleep apnea
Then my husband left for Greece for the summer, although I was totally opposed to the idea for spiritual, physical, financial, and educational reasons
Then my daughter was diagnosed with epilepsy (around this point, my friend Gabrielle emailed me and said how much more can you take??? NEVER say that to someone going through a storm)
Then my husband left
Then I got divorced
Then I lost my job
Then I failed the bar again
Then I got pregnant with twins by someone I didn't want to marry
Then I was put on bedrest for five weeks
Then the twins were born at 27 weeks (but they survived- a silver lining in the clouds)

Since the twins were born I have maintained, not necessarily anymore obvious drama, but little storms here and there. Just this year:
I battled the flu for three weeks (the kids were sick for two weeks)
Studied for and took the bar exam again
Had my car hit by an uninsured motorist
The whole family got gastrointeritis (after the flu isn't that so unfair, how much bodily fluids can one take?)
Took Grandma to the hospital thinking she had gastrointeritis only to find out my Grandma has Colon Cancer
Helped my Grandma battle Colon Cancer (stage 2- surgery, only treatment)
Had my Mom stay with me for a month (those who know me well will know this may have been a bigger storm than colon cancer)
And finally I have decided, willed, prayed, and declared that
THE STORM IS OVER!!!!

In the last week, I've had some wonderful things happen to me:
I won a fellowship to pay for my Graduate School education
I wrote a proposal for an organization which rec'd a $12K grant
I passed the Professional Responsibility part of the Bar Exam
I had a great visit from the children's father
My mother went back home
My father and I reconnected in a major way
I dealt with anger and did not sin.
And I am still here, laughing, smiling and believing that the best is yet to come...

Maybe I can't control the storms that come but I can control the altitude I choose to fly. I fly as high as I can, close to the SON where I know I'll be safe. It's not by strength but through Christ that I am able to stand, love, create, and hope. I will love again, Ihope to share my life in marriage with the man of my dreams (I hope you are reading, dear), and I hope to raise the most amazing set of children that Columbus, Ohio has ever seen. I cannot do that without a higher power leading, guiding, teaching, and healing me through it all.

This is my last blog under "Soaring Through the Storm" it was a long steady shower, with lots of sunshowers along the way. But it's time to the sun to come out and stay for a while. So, join me on my other blog: blackgirlsong.blogspot.

My friend Kim told me I live to be the Phoenix rising from the ashes. But think of how much you could accomplish if you didnt' always have to rise from the ashes. I didn't get what she was saying then, but I do now. I'm over the Phoenix complex, I just want to do the dang thang. I hope you have learned something from my Storm. Don't let it take this much turbulence to have you fly close to the SON. One Love, Tanikka.

Living Life Like Its Golden

2008-04-08T19:39:00.002-05:00

One thing we should have learned by now is that life is too short. We can think of plenty of people who died too young and we shook our heads and thought surely it would never be us. We think of our own mortality and the inevitable ending of those we love the most. But sometimes it is a shock when we have to face losing those people who mean the most to us. This is the way it is with my Grandma. She's 85, which is old to a lot of people. But her mother lived to be 100 years old, so my family has an unnatural idea of how long people should live. However, over the last couple of weeks I was forced to deal with my Grandmother's mortality. I took her to the ER after she seemed to be battling the flu/gastrointeritis. It had hit the whole family but she was having a hard time recuperating. A CT scan of the adominal showed Colon Cancer. Initially, I was in denial and refused to believe that she was that sick. However, after the tumor was removed in surgery two days later, a biopsy confirmed that it was cancer. I've been in shock and trying to deal with the implications of a woman I think is so strong being weak. She came home in a week and is recuperating, but she's not the same Grandma (yet). I remain optimistic, but I also remain dedicated to the fact that each day could be the last (for any of us) and that I need to live each day to the fullest. Who is on your list that you have not called yet, or emailed in a while, or kissed, hugged or spent time with. God is good and always provides what we need when we need it. I'm not saying it has been easy. But each day gets a little easier as I see God's hand carefully guiding my family through yet another storm. I had to return to this blog because 'soaring through the storm' has certainly been the teme for the past few years. In His Love....Nique

Loving My Life

2006-06-27T21:49:00.000-05:00

It's taken a long time but I'm really loving my life. I'm discovering so much about myself now that I'm by myself with life growing inside me. I have a lot more time to think and react than I have in my adult life. I'm seeing things that have remained constant and things that have changed over time. There is no changing a lot of things about our personality, but there are things we can improve upon daily. These babies are really forcing me to evaluate everything about the past 31 years. I'm finding that there is so much pain that I have held onto that it is finally time to let go of. My Pastor always says you can't change things you aren't willing to confront. And I am dealing with the fact that I was harmed deeply when my father left the household when I was five years old. I had just been molested by a cousin a few months before and I guess all that pain got rolled up into one. Just when I think I'm over those feelings of betrayal, pain, abandonment, and neglect, something happens to make me go back to that scared little girl balled up in the corner on the floor. Just the other day I was turning the channels when I saw some Kelly Clarkson video. I don't know the name of the song but she was basically telling her dad in the video that because of him she was scared to love, scared to live, and scared to move forward. I definitely identified with that song and video and prayed to ask God once again when the pain would end. It's the gaping hole that I try to fill when I say yes to physical relationships that are beneath where I'm trying to be or trying to go. I haven't spoke to my Father since Father's Day because I called him that day and he was short and curt. It hurt. Again. It's a lot like the communication in my marriage- we are speaking different languages and expecting the other party to say what we want them to say. I'm still trying to love my father- past, present and future, and I keep nurturing the hurt little girl within. But the pain is still there.

Breakthrough

2006-06-23T07:20:00.000-05:00

For the first time last night I dreamed I was pregnant with twins. I believe this is a true breakthrough because allegedly your dreams are your subconscious mind working through your issues. I dreamt that I was expectant and I went over Tom Cruise's house where I met his seven or eight kids which included a set of twins. He was married to a Greek woman. In this dream I was the celebrity (that happens quite often in my dreams) they were so excited to be meeting me. In addition, I was about a size 12 (in real life I'm a size 18). I wonder what it means that I'm always size 9 in my dreams? I want to know if that means I'm in denial about my weight or if I have never allowed my weight to define me?

Being overweight, obese, plus size, those things never suited me. Instead, I tend to think of myself as a beautiful woman who just happens to have to shop at the Avenue, or Lane Bryant. I always thought I could do anything that a skinny girl could do and never had a lot of resentment from other women who were smaller. Different strokes for different folks. Some like small girls, some like big girls!

Anyway, back to my breakthrough. So, last night when I met Tom Cruise and his twins, I told he and his wife that I was pregnant with twins. Even as I was saying it I was having an ephiphany that this was real, that I was really pregnant with twins and that at 22 weeks they were more likely than not to be a reality in my life. For the past 20 weeks, if anything had happened and the twins had come early, they would not have made it. But now, in just two more weeks they will be viable- that means they can survive outside of the womb although they will be four months premature. So, I'm starting to feel more like this is real. And my dream proved that I'm actually accepting this change in my life.

An AOL essay entitled: "Dreams: the Language of the Subconscious" contains the following quote: "To become self-aware, we should look first at what the inner self may be trying to express through dreams. Some dreams take on the burdens we cannot or choose not to face - these dreams warn or relieve stress. Others offer us circumstances and fantasies that we cannot experience in the present physical body. These dreams entertain and relieve stress. Occasionally there are dreams that make contact with long distance, other time periods, or future events. These are the dreams we seek -- the ones that can be the true source of a deja vu or that prove to have been prophetic."

So, my dreams have finally caught up with reality. I'm really, truly having twins and embarking upon a new chapter in my young life. Good Night, Good Luck and Sweet Dreams!

WOW! Four on the Way...

2006-06-21T11:08:00.000-05:00

Okay, I'm having twins and that's a big deal especially considering I'm a single mom and I have three older children. However, meet Kayla. She's a 20 year old single mother who had "safe sex" and became pregnant with quadruplet! Without any sort of fertility drugs. This girl is amazing. She is going through a pregnancy with four babies on the way, an although she has no other children and she has just graduated from college she is still shocked and overwhelmed. She lives in the same house with her mother and sister and they are all committed to raising the babies together. What an inspiration to me.

Kayla may have her own blog sometimes soon. See, two years ago, she was asleep on the couch at her mother's house when a car missed the turn and ran into her living room. The car actually landed on top of her. When her Mom came downstairs to see what the commotion was she fell on the car because the stairs were gone. And young Kayla? Survived with only a few scratches. Now the "miracle" quadruplets. So... Do we really control the circumstances and events in our lives or is there a greater force making the final call?

Kayla has me feeling really prepared for my situation. Her first pregnancy is Quads, she's single, educated but unemployed (there's a lot of that going on in Columbus), living at home with her mother, etc. But there is one thing that we both have in common: support. We are both supported by wonderful family and friends and we are both extremely optimistic about what lies ahead in our future. I can't wait to see what becomes of Kayla and her four babies. Wow...four on the way...

The Bible, Biology and Bioethics

2006-06-19T08:35:00.000-05:00

This is a rather difficult post to write but I'm just going to spit it out. Many people wonder how do people keep having babies when there is a plethora of birth control to choose from and use? I believe it's because the body was not designed to use birth control but it was designed to procreate. Watching a DVD called "The Miracle of Life" by Linnart Nilsson, the kids and I learned that during ovulation women's eyes change as well as their skin. All these changes make them more easily aroused in the bodies attempt to ensure that mating occurs within the 24 hour window that the egg is able to be fertilized. Yes, people, just like in the wild, we are hard wired to reproduce. Hormones are released during ovulation that make the slightest touch create arousal. So... that could explain why I was in rare form the day the twins were conceived. Now this is not to excuse the sin, or to suggest that we should not practice so-called "safe sex." I'm just saying for some of us with stronger response mechanisms, once aroused, there may not be such thing as "safe sex."

Kalia was conceived using the diaphragm, Kaissa was conceived using condoms which were later recalled because they were drying out and small holes were forming. Jamir... not sure about that one, but you get the point. No birth control is 100%, and our bodies are so interested in reproducing that they can get around birth control methods. After ejaculation millions of sperm are released, however, only one (or in my case two eggs/two sperms) penetrate the eggs. What odds!? Also, the male and female must maintain a certain body heat during the act in order for reproduction to take place. It may seem easy for me to get pregnant, but ask the many people who have struggled with infertility- once we trick our bodies into thwarting the reproduction process for years, sometimes even decades, we wonder why the body will no longer respond the way it was designed?

Maybe I'll get some negative feedback on this blog. But I don't think that we were designed to need birth control (BC). In an ideal situation, there would be no need for BC (just ask the Catholic Church where BC is still not allowed). The jury is still out on whether or not God approves of BC, however, there is a story in Genesis of Judah, whose son "spilled his seed on the ground" when going into Tamar (pulled out) and God struck him dead for this abomination. I don't know...But I'm just saying- it's a natural urge to mate during ovulation- we were wired and programmed that way. Is sex education class enough to keep us from doing what we are hard wired to do?

Tribute to Tupac (on his birthday)

2006-06-16T17:06:00.000-05:00

in your words i hear an echo of things to come
a reminder of the brevity of all things good
you were the kind of thing that dreams are made of
in you i saw the world
through a black boys eyes
falling with you
getting angry with you
fighting with you
i was imprisoned with you
and set free with you
but like you, never acquitted,
although the evidence was planted
even if you never knew,
I knew.

and i stood for you as much as I could
although my existence moved from concrete jungle to institutional fallacies
deemed liberal art
liberal in nothing by judgments and boxes
that i was just too big to fit
like you were too big to fit in life
larger than life
you are more suited to death
and your dark form
and your spirit
which gave me chills the times we met
and i saw the eerie reflection of my destiny in your eyes
i hold on to that first time, knowing then that an early demise was your calling
i thought you would start the revolution
having been gunned down in the streets by the police
what i didn’t realize then in my youth, was that true revolution begins in the mind
and your lyrics can’t die
you are alive and no longer confined to a body
you float freely
visiting me in my dreams
telling me to keep my head up
when the world gets me down
it’s all about me
because you said so

dear mama
i know she will understand how you will live forever
how your martyrdom status allows you to cross cultural boundaries
it’s no longer about mtv it’s about channeling and spiritualist
we can see you and feel you and

i will carry forth your message
your name, shining serpent only fits you in this dark time that we are living in now.
you shine against the moonlight
in the garden of eden
where you wanted to go
because you wanted to know
what it’s like to truly be tempted

could you say no to eve?
could you rewrite our history/
give up your rib and not submit?
turn it down in the garden and again on the dance floor?
rewrite your history?
come to Vassar with me?
fight your intellectual battles in the classrooms and
wait for the Platinum albums with me?
grow to be a parent with me?
have your first book of poetry turned down by a publisher with me?
because that means there’s a tomorrow
could you, would you say no to temptation?

there’s no fighting destiny
and like a valiant prince who knows he must fight for his people
you carried that knowledge and that melancholy in your eyes
a soldier at battle
who’s remains couldn’t be buried
they stand proudly on your dear mama’s mantle
the one you passed
and stopped and stared at
when you were home

you wanted that for your

final resting place

you left a piece of yourself with us all before you left

now rest

and watch

Becoming Whole

2006-06-15T18:46:00.000-05:00

I realized that this stage in my life is more about becoming whole than about becoming Tanikka. I've always managed to be true to myself and make choices I could live with, but now I must become whole so I don't keep reaching to things which are holding me back from my destiny.

I want to respond to issue #2 that's come up in response to my Blog: God's role in my life. I am the Captain of my ship, the Master of my fate, but God is the wind. Anyone who has been in a sailboat knows you can only go where the wind blows. So I feel like, although I have free will and I make choices everyday, God is still ultimately in control. And if I keep my faith in Him, I will ultimately fufill my purpose on Earth. Anyone who has read the purpose driven life knows there is no purpose outside of God.

So... I hope that clears up some confusion. This is not blind faith in Grandma's religion, this is faith that comes from living through life experiences where I could have physically died had it not been for something greater than I; I could have lost my mind; or at the very least resorted to alcohol and drugs to cope. But through it all, I have learned that the more you go through, the more you can find yourself trusting in God.

I'm becoming whole. And I've finally given myself permission to take it slow. I bears repeating- this is not an overnight metamorphisis, but rather a process to get to the root of the hurt and pain inside and find healing and wholeness. This blog is one step in that direction. I am committing myself to unleashing the writer within. I am nurturing that side of me and believe that this will lead me to my destiny.

Good Night and Good Luck (I just always wanted to say that- George Clooney is so cool!)

Becoming Tanikka Part II

2006-06-14T23:40:00.000-05:00

This blogging has been theraputic for me. I thank you all for being involved during this time. Thank you for your prayers, emails, and phone calls of love and concern. I want to address a few things that keep coming up:

First of all: I have had an epiphany about my relationship to my education. When I first became immersed in private school it was an all-black Christian school where I attended from First to Third grade. From Third to Seventh Grade I attended public school. When I finally went back to Private School I was in a class where I was only one of two African-Americans. It was culture shock to say the least. Part of me felt that I had to hold on to my blackness "by any means necessary." One way I felt I could do this was by speaking the vernacular as much as possible. I heard many black people including my mother talk with her "white voice" when doing business on the phone and then talk "regular" when on the phone with her girls. I decided that unlike Paul Laurence Dunbar's poem "We Wear the Mask" I would not live the Double-Consciousness that so many African-American's choose to live in daily. (See W.E.B. Dubois On Double Consciousness http://www.bartleby.com/114/1.html)

I wanted to be a person of Integrity. I wanted to speak the same whether I was speaking to my friends or the President of Vassar College. I maintained that Integrity but I feel it may have been at a price. Instead of embracing the ways that my education has changed me and enhanced my life; I have fought my educational influences, not wanting to laud the privledges over anyone else's head. However, I want to apologize for those who have invested and sacrificed in order for me to have the education I have obtained. I realize through a conversation with a friend I've had for thirteen years that I should embrace the total package of who I am. That includes my High School prepratory education from The Wellington School; my BA in American Culture from Vassar College; and my legal degree from Capital University. There- I said it! I'm educated.

And as a sign that I'm educated I'm going to begin to watch my use of the vernacular. I am going to enunciate when I speak especially to my children and I ask for your help in making this transition. If you talk to me and hear me speaking only in slang (can I still say "What's Up? Shut up! Girl!?") please remind me of this pledge I've made. I am a work in progress and I need to accept all facets of who I am. Speech is very important and I don't need to dumb down my speech to be accepted or fit in with the people I love. Watch out world- epiphanies abound!

Becoming Tanikka

2006-06-13T11:25:00.000-05:00

It's amazing to be 31 and still be discovering who I am. I love this process of tearing down things I've always believed and held true and replacing those things with new beliefs. There are no limits to what we can do and learn; our ability to adapt is unbelievable. Take for instance my ability to cook. I've never been a cook and it was one of the reasons why I never planned on marrying and having children. My mother was a fabulous cook and I don't know why, I just never saw myself in the kitchen that way. I loved pizza and pretty much could have survived on pizza and canned foods, but I had a baby in college and entered into a relationship with someone who could cook and who assured me I would never have to worry about cooking.

How soon things change. When I first found myself single, shopping was unbearable and cooking was a disaster. We lived out of fast food places and the kids weight reflected that. But now, as I face a life as mother of five children, my maternal instincts are kicking in to the max. I wake up with a craving for fresh French toast, oranges, bananas, and bacon, and guess what? I cook! It's amazing for me and for the children.

Just imagine what other uncharted territory there is for me to conquer? Self esteem and encouragement from others goes a long way. I can do it! I think to myself as I'm standing over the stove, and I believe I can. So... What do you believe you can do today that you told yourself yesterday you couldn't? DO IT... And believe.

Fear Not

2006-06-09T14:02:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I went to an ultrasound appointment. It was a shocking experience. The first shock was that the Doctor's saw TWO GIRLS! I was planning on a girl and a boy (so was Jamir). However, whatever I am blessed with I will be grateful and happy. That means Jamir will be the only boy with four sisters. Anyway, the Doctor found a spot on
Baby B's brain which may indicate either Down Syndrome or Patau Syndrome, neither or which is a good diagnosis. He assured me that it only occurs in 3% of all cases of babies born with this brain spot, but Patau Syndrome is usually fatal. The Doctor advised that I could get an amnio which would tell defnitively whether the baby had either syndrome, but the test itself comes with the risk of miscarriage and/or increased birth defect.

When faced with that choice, my fear said "get the test, you need to know. How can you continue to carry a baby that may not make it?" But faith stepped in and said, "trust in God. He will never lead you where His grace cannot carry you." Although I was overwhelmed, I told the Doctor regardless of the diagnosis, I would carry the baby to full-term and put her in God's hands. After talking about the option of having a selective abortion (IN NYC) of the one fetus, I assured the Doctor I was going to see this one to the end. He then scheduled an appointment for me in two weeks because my cervix is beginning to shorten. This could be an indication of preterm labor. So, all you faith walkers, we really need your prayers. God is able and I know He will bring us through no matter what happens.

When I thought about how scary this situation was, especially after I looked up Patau Syndrome on Google, I heard God saying "FEAR NOT." I wrote a song called Fear Not where the chorus says,
Fear Not/What men may say
Fear Not/When trouble comes your way
Fear Not/No matter what you see
Fear Not/the World but Fear Me.

Sometimes you have to be reminded... So I will walk this walk, battling fear and believing by Faith that it will all work to His Glory. Love and Peace

Life is What You Make It

2006-06-08T11:53:00.000-05:00

I realized yesterday that life is a series of habits. You get in the habit of brushing your teeth, making up your bed (or not), going to school, working, etc. I was over the twins Godparents house and I was struck by how orderly things were in their house considering the fact that there was an infant and a three year old. Both children were bathed and in bed at a set time, the house was clean, primarily because the parents got hours after the kids were asleep to do what needed to be done. My household has never been like that! I've always just gone with the flow...Now I'm rethinking.

Devon told me that the key is setting a schedule and sticking to it no matter what. It's going to be even more necessary now that I'm having twins. I know now why God has this couple as the twins Godparents. Whatever you do today will determine where you go tomorrow. I touched on this in an earlier blog: we need to start making the small choices that will lead to the life we have all envisioned. I realized that now that motherhood has thrust itself upon me, I want it to be my focus. I love to write, so I can do that as well, but some of you will be surprised to find out that I am giving up my dreams of being a high powered female-Johnny Cocran. For now.

I'll still be young when my youngest child get's out of High School and I'll be able to assume any career I choose. Until then, I'm going to take it slow (as slow as possible with five kids) and focus on utilizing my creative energy for the greater good. Think about what you do today- your habits- are they leading to life or death? We must get a hold of our habits! Today...

Marital Bond or Marital Bondage?

2006-06-06T19:29:00.000-05:00

So, people get married and divorced everyday. Unfortunately, I know of several marriages, including mine, which ended within the past year. I know marriage is honorable and of the Lord, but what's the problem? Marriage is a covenant between man, woman and God until death do us part. But divorce came in because people were not living the way they were called by God to live. Divorce is rampant in the church so how do we figure out what's going wrong?

I thought about the marital bond and to me it felt more like marital bondage. A bond between to people is seamless, you will not see where one end begins and the other ends. However, when one is in bondage you can clearly see the ropes that bind that person. Their hands may be tied in front of them where they can see the bondage, or the hands may be behind their back where they cannot clearly see the bonds. That was my case. I didn't go into the marriage thinking "if this doesn't work, I'll get a divorce" I truly married "till death do us part." But there comes a time when the bondage begins to stifle your growth and impede your breathing. It becomes a time when you have to choose life over tradition and even stability. It's easy to continue doing what you've always done because it's comfortable even when it's killing you. It takes courage and faith to launch into the deep and step out on the water.

I wish I would not have gotten divorced, but more importantly I wish I would have been more prayerful before I got married. I was not walking with the Lord at the time I decided to get married and so I was not making the decision according to the Word. However, there are people that I know who met their mate in the church, got counseling, got married and are now in the process of getting divorce. Will marriage survive?

I would love to get married again, but my next husband will have a high price to pay. I will trust my instincts at every hand and at the first sign that things don't look right, I'm out. Now, some may say that it's not fair to punish someone for my ex's transgressions. But I feel that I am more happy and whole by myself than I am in bondage to an anchor that's sinking.

I still believe in marriage and think that it's a beautiful thing. I think it's a manifestation of the union that occurs between God the Father and Jesus, His son. But there are a lot of kinks that need to be worked out in our modern day marriage to keep us out of bondage. I think when I see the seamless joining of myself and another in a way that makes me a better person and makes me love myself and God more, then I'll consider creating a marital bond.

Yada Yada Yada

2006-06-05T21:50:00.000-05:00

I had a long day today. I just want you to think about all these fathers who are killing their children. It's quite disturbing. Here there have been two fathers who have killed their children and in Florida a father pushed his three children off of a balcony on he and his wife's anniversary. What in the world is going on? What would make a father kill their own child? What warning signs did the mother see? Was she in denial about the father's mental state? I'm convinced that there are a lot of fathers that need to be in mandatory counseling. For more reference see Kirk Franklin's new album the track "Shout." He says "Take it serious the demon's in a man's mind." I'm definitely thinking about my children's father in a differen't light tonight. And I'm praying that He keep my children safe. Aight?

Confidence or Condemnation

2006-06-02T09:47:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning feeling great! Not for any particular reason, I just feel very comfortable in the skin I am in. I think that because of my relationship with Christ I know in my heart that everything work out for the good. I don't have a blueprint as to how it is going to work out but that's the point of walking in faith. The Bible says many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails. (Proverbs 19:21) So I'm not so much making plans for my future as I am trying to be the person today that He called me to be.

The signature on my email is Phillipians 1:8- the scripture reads:

"I thank God upon every remembrance of you, always in every prayer of mine making request for you all with joy, for your fellowship in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ."

This truly sums up how I feel and why in the midst of this storm, I am soaring. I have been in constant prayer about my situation, even when I have fallen, and because I told God I couldn't get healed and get through any of this without him I had to lean on Him. So when you didn't hear from me, I was going through- putting one foot in front of the other, falling but getting back up, knowing that my faith was in Jesus. It was really nothing that anyone could help me get through. The joy of the Lord has been my strength, so when I reach out to you now for support and love, it is with joy in my heart. The assurance that things are going to be okay comes from my confidence that the work that was begun in me as a little child will continue to be perfected until Jesus Christ's return.

What I'm trying to say is that those of you who do not yet believe in Jesus Christ as your personal savior may not understand what I have been through or how I have gone through the past year. However, if you could understand that I have been through so much as a child, abuse, molestation, rape, abandonment, and yet through it all I made good grades, stayed in school, and was able to get a full-ride to an ivy league college. God brought be through and I truly believed then that there was a strong calling on my life. Although I strayed from Christ in my late teens and early twenties, I found my way back after a miscarriage and separation in my marriage drove me to the brink of dispair. It was in the midnight hour, when no one else was around that I called on Jesus. Although I had practiced Islam, Buddhism, Santeria, Yoruba, Catholicism, and Hedonism, I found Jesus in my darkest hour.

Now that I am walking with Him, I understand more than ever that His grace and mercy are poured on us when we least deserve it. During the times when I was fufilling my flesh I was crying out to Him to deliver me and when I repented I was delivered. He knew we would sin and fall short and He died so we would not have to die because we sinned. In the old testament, when you were caught in adultery or fornication you were stoned to death on sight. But now we are able to ask for forgiveness and recieve forgiveness and be restored in our walk with Christ.

But there are consequences to our actions, so I expected something... Not twins but something. But I thank God that it was twins and not HIV or Aids. This consequence carries with it life and not death, and for that I am so grateful to God.

Once you become a Christian, you are not automatically made perfect and I think that's what many people, including myself assume. My Pastor says we are the "W.I.P." Works In Progress. So God is still working on us until the day that we die or the day that Jesus comes back. So, to all my unsaved friends and family I repent openly for my sins and the choices that I made that may now affect your decision to give your life to Christ. I am not perfect, but I was no more deserving of Christ's mercy before I sinned than I am now.

Romans 8:1 says "There is therefore no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made me free from the law of sin and death." Conviction is when you do wrong and you feel bad and feel the urgency to repent and change your ways. Condemnation is when you feel heaviness for your wrong but all you ever feel is wrong. It's the guilt you still feel about something you did when you were in elementary school. It's what other's try to make you feel about your actions when God has already forgiven you. It's when you refuse to forgive yourself.

So today, you either have confidence in something bigger than yourself. You believe that you are right where you are supposed to be. If it wasn't for getting fired, or moving, or getting divorced, you would not be where you are right now. I thank God for the trials and tribulations because they have made me more patient, more kind, more loving, more forgiving, more understanding. I am a much better person June 06 than I was June 05. This road you are on is leading you to the biggest revelation on Earth: Your purpose. So instead of beating yourself up for past mistakes, and carrying around regret; change what you can change and keep walking with your head held high. Keep your confidence in the fact that your life means something and it meant so much to Christ that He died on the cross just for you. Do not allow the condemnation of your own unforgiveness, or other people's inability to understand where you are to keep you bound. Be free and walk in your purpose. I love you deeply and hope you feel the love of Christ in my walk.

Training While on the Sidelines

2006-06-01T07:56:00.000-05:00

I've been sidelined.

Prior to finding out I was pregnant I was studying and taking the Bar Exam in my pursuit of becoming a licensed attorney. I was also dancing in my churches dance group, "Chosen" and teaching Sunday School. I was being elevated because I had been faithful during the time when I was going through my separation and divorce. I never missed a Sunday or Bible Study, I fasted and prayed and lost almost 40 pounds in the process. I found myself and I was loving myself- my new free self. But something happened that sidelined me so now I'm still training while on the sidelines.

This blog was inspired by the many people who get "redshirted" or who get benched for the first few seasons (or years) of their professional athletic career. I was thinking in church last Sunday how hard it is to train when you know you are not actually going to play in the game. I always thought my life would be a lot different than it is right now. I'd be famous by the time I was 25 (and rich) with no responsibilities. I thought I'd be able to switch careers like clothes and pursue my many passions. But life didn't quite turn out the way I'd hoped. Like the athlete who spends time on the bench watching others play, I haven't quite found my groove. God was showing me, however, that although I'm on the sidelines I still have to train as though I'm going to start in the game this Saturday.

I filed for divorce on Wednesday, the second week in September. I'll never forget. I'd fasted for 30 days after I came home to find my husband had left and moved to Washington D.C. It was easy to fast since he was the cook in the family and I didn't even know where the cooking utensils were in the house. As I went full-time at my job at the law firm of Haynes and Haynes, the kids were left with my Grandmother to fend for themselves (which could explain my one daughters 15 pound weight gain in just a few months). They had endless days of Donatos Pizza and other fast or frozen process food. My work day was supposed to end at 5pm, but that rarely happened. The hours required to work in order to curry favor in the boss's eyes exceeded what I felt was healthy for a family of three children, one parent and an 84 year old caretaker.

My grandmother was a lifeline during these days. She helped me process what was going on and she kept the kids so I didn't have to worry about where they were while I was at work. I told people over and over again that my job was holding me together. If it wasn't for the income and the stability of my job I would have lost my mind. Becareful what you say. I walked into my job on October 17, 2005, the day after the new Bankruptcy law passed and found my box packed and waiting by the door. I was laid off. A blessing and a challenge! I could spend the time with my children that was so needed at this time in their lives but how would I pay the bills!??? I had enrolled my daughter in private school based on my income and now... Well, I qualified for unemployment and have been living on that until this month. Also, my daughter competed for and was the recipient of the only scholarship given in the whole school. By January, Kaissa was in private school, too. Thank God. We've had lean days, but believe it or not the kids' Christmas this year was the best ever. My former boss adopted my family and bought the kids more toys than I have ever bought them at Christmas. Talk about blessed. We have not gone without not one day.

While I'm on the sidelines, I've decided to train. My marriage may have ended in divorce, but there is someone out there for me, so I have to begin to prepare myself for that man. I ask myself constantly what could I have done to make the marriage work, what choices could I have made differently. I truly believe if you don't pass the test you will have to repeat the course. I kept taking jobs that I knew I was not equipt to do well, thinking that "this time it would be differen't." I will no longer do that even if I get a lucrative offer to be in a law firm. Although my legal knowledge will be used in some form in my life, I know deep down in my soul that writing is what I've been called to do. I have decide to develop my craft while on the sidelines. The most important thing I can do while on the sidelines is take care of myself so I can be an awesome mother. Being a mother is the single most important job I've ever had, so despite the fact that I was fired, let go, or quit my last three jobs, this job I will never be fired from and I won't quit. I have a duty to educate and help socialize my children into the adults they will become. I take that job seriously. So, while sidelined, the game goes on. And when it's my turn to put on my helmet and score the game winning touchdown, with God's grace, I'll be in the best shape of my life. I'm training now for the game that is to come.

The Proverbs 31 Woman

2006-05-31T18:26:00.000-05:00

"Who can find a virtuous woman, for her worth is far above rubies." Proverbs 31:10 Chances are you know one; perhaps you were raised or mentored by one; you may aspire to become one; more than likely you have never heard one discribed in such detail as the Bible lays out in Proverbs 31. Everyday I read a Proverbs which corresponds to the day of the Month. Since today is May 31- I read Proverbs 31 and was reminded of the woman who's "children arise and call her blessed; Her husband also, and he praises her." So many of us are working hard with no one to say "you are blessed, you are praised, you are honored." Your children calling you blessed, honoring you and respecting you is different than being their friend. So many mothers don't want to appear angry, bitter, and hostile, like their mothers. But in return they are hanging with their daughters and not setting the standards very high.

These past few months have reminded me of how important it is to set a good example for your children. My four year old son asked me one night if he could get his wife pregnant before they got married. I said no. He said, but Mom, we'll be happy- pregnant then married. I didn't make a big deal about it because he's only four, but it greatly concerned me. What example am I setting for my children? It weighs on me heavily. But more than following rules and such, I want to teach them to follow God and follow their heart (insticts). I think they will go far in life. Our mistakes are what make us stronger and make us who we are.

The virtuous woman who works hard and is appreciated by her family. That sounds like a good goal to me. And like my blog says yesterday what we do each day determines what those in our lives will ultimately say about us. What are we doing today to become the virtuous woman of tomorrow?

Love is in the Details

2006-05-30T09:40:00.000-05:00

"We fear success with good reason. We've got a lot at stake. Success brings change, and change is uncomfortable. But by attempting to achieve one challenge at a time, we redefine success for ourselves and those we love."
— Sarah Ban Breathnach

Oprah says "Love is in the Details." In the beginning, I resisted that thought. I'm a "Big Picture" person. I like thinking of the grandiose ideas that will change the world. I drop the idea but as soon as people start saying "how?" I'm mentally outta there. My brain just doesn't support the details. I've been fired from jobs because I made simple mistakes or because I wasn't "paying close enough attention to the details." I've come to realize that I probably have ADD, and that my brain works differently than those who are able to think inside the box. It's okay. It's one reason why I'm always caught up in the moment. But there are pluses too. I see the world in colors other people don't see. I hear things and think of solutions that would have never crossed someone else's mind. I'm a problem solver, and outside of the box thinker and I will not apologize anymore for how I am.

Anyway, this morning as I was praying I realized that God wants me to pay more attention to the small stuff. There's a book that says "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff, and it's all small stuff." It's true that we shouldn't become stressed out of things that won't matter two years from now. However, there comes a time when you need to realize that there are very few big moments in life. Instead life is made up of many little moments; lots of small stuff. It's how you wake up in the morning; how you start your day; what you eat; what you say; what music you listen to; how many of your personal goals you accomplish in 24 hours. If you have a big picture, figure out how the small stuff fits into the picture. You cannot fit into your size 8 jeans without paying attention to what you eat (or don't eat) for breakfast. You cannot amass wealth if you don't begin spending more frugally today. It's all about what you do from minute to minute. How you chose to make decisions about each and everything.

This blog for me seemed like something small, however, I've begun to see how this is part of the big picture. I've spent hours studying for the bar exam (twice) not to mention the hundreds of thousands of dollars I spent in law school. How much time have I put into becoming a better writer, or even using the written word to be a light to the world. Sobering thought. How much time have you put towards your gift? Cultivate it; take care of it; share it. Open yourself to how the small stuff is having a big impact on your life.

Choosing Life

2006-05-26T21:27:00.000-05:00

Is it possible to be pro-choice and pro-life at the same time? I feel everyone should be able to choose when and where to start their family, however, I feel that life is sacred and valuable and should be protected at all costs. None of my children were concieved on purpose but each time I was faced with a decision I made the choice that I felt was right at that time in my life. I didn't always choose life, I will tell you honestly, but I always felt like was sacred and to be respected. Believe it or not, the two pregnancies that I entered into conciously after I was married ended in miscarriage. That is life's bitter irony. And that's really when I learned how tenuous life is. I learned that God is really in control and no matter how advanced our technology has gotten, we still cannot take the place of God Almighty. After my miscarriages I was infertile for a year before shockingly becoming pregnant with my son. So, I've gone through being overly fertile, infertile, miscarriages, abortion, and multiple pregnancy. Talk about life experiences.

The time I chose not to continue my pregnancy, I did so because I really didn't feel that was an option for me. I decided so early in life not to become a mother. Then when it happened I did not want to be with the person I was pregnant by. He insisted that I get an abortion and the institution that I was in (college) basically did not even give me the option of remaining pregnant and continuing in school. I got in counseling because during my pregnancy I had nightmares of abusing and neglecting the child I was carrying. Through months of intensive counseling I discovered that there were issues I was carrying around that kept me from being able to visualize myself as a mother. Once I started sorting through that baggage I found myself pregnant again (this time using birth control.) So even though I had slipped the first time, I'd been really careful the second time and still because pregnant. I decided fate had intervened and decided it was time for me to have a child. Kalia was born nine months later.

Kaissa was concieved using birth control as well (condoms) and because I'd had Kalia and swore to God on the operating table that I would never take life for granted again, she was born. Following her birth, I married her father (see previous blog) and had the two aforementioned miscarriages and period of infertility. After our son was born, my ex got permanent birth control and the issue of whether or not to have more children became a non-issue.

When the twins were concieved I can say I was truly "caught up." There was no thought of using birth control or anything else other than being in the moment. Because this was a person I had dated for much of my childhood and adolescence, there were feelings there that I never could have anticipated. Having gone so long without a concern for birth control and not planning to get physical kept me from being able to do what was necessary to control the conception of these two gifts. So now here I sit. Wanting so badly to empower other young African-American women so that no matter what situation they find themselves in they know that they can still be someone. A man doesn't determine our self-worth. God is the only one that can make us feel that we are worthy on the inside. Until we allow Him to fill us up we are walking around empty looking for anything: food, sex, drugs, shopping, work, etc. to fill us up. I am learning now to be filled by God and to be content with Him no matter what situation I find myself in. This is a lot more difficult that it sounds. My brain knows intuitively that I should depend on God for everything, but my heart is prideful and afraid to look to anyone besides myself for happiness for fear that I may be let down. Being pregnant out-of-wedlock at a time when I felt the closest to God has been humbling and it has shown me that God loves me unconditionally because I'm Tanikka, not because of how I act. He created me and knew what my strengths and weaknesses were before I was formed in my mother's womb (see the Book of Jeremiah). I am confident not in my own ability but in the ability of God to make something out of my nothingness. I feel your vibes, your prayers and your concern. I feel you holding your breath to see if I will fall. Yes, I have fallen. But I will pick up the pieces and sit down for however long it takes to put it all back together.

Piece by Piece, it's coming together. A mirror, once shattered and once showing a distorted reflection of myself is now coming together to create a brautiful picture of the true me.

The Day After

2006-05-25T21:18:00.000-05:00

I am so overwhelmed by all the wonderful things my friends and family had to say. Thank you so much. I don't know what I did to deserve such awesome people in my life but I appreciate it so much. I am surprised that there were no comments made from anger or hurt. Thank you so much. I know some of you may have felt dissapointment and shock but all I felt from your responses and emails was support and love.

So, this morning I woke up on a rampage about fathers. Where are the fathers? I mean literally and figuratively. I don't feel bad about being a single mother and I think maybe I should. Let me back up. Growing up, I never wanted to have children. When I found myself pregnant in college with Kalia, I decided to have her and thought "I can do this." My thesis was entitled "Moving Beyond Invisibility: America's Perceptions of Young, Single, Black Motherhood." In my thesis I proposed that the reason so many young, single mothers ended up on welfare or didn't live up to their dreams was because they didn't recieve the support necessary to succeed. I found my support and was able to graduate from Vassar and go on to Law School. I proposed that if everyone could feel as empowered as I felt and recieve the support I felt, there would be a lot more successful single mothers.

When I decided to get married, so much of my reasoning was because I had decided I didn't want to be a single mother anymore. Deciding to get married was the most rational decision I ever made. I just made a list of what qualities I wanted in a "family" and decided that outweighed what I wanted as an individual (big mistake). I put my needs and desires to the side for the good of having a family and "doing the right thing." I believed then that it was better for a child to grow up with two parents. Now, I'm not too sure. Well, I guess I'm sure that philosophically a child should have both parents but in today's world, I'm not sure that affords the child the best chance for success. (I've used success alot but I define that as the ability to be happy with who you are and feel comfortable achieving your life purpose, whatever that is).

The other thing I find myself pondering is why is it that regardless of how involved a father starts out- they have beef with the mom and check out. (Black fathers in particular) My father checked out after he and my mother were divorced and I didn't see him for five or six years. Now deja vu with my children's father. What is it in men that allow them to walk out despite the investment they have made in their children's lives? Why is it that women invariably end up carrying the "mother" load? I read today that there are more children growing up in single-mother households than in two-parent households. What does that say about society? Is that to be celebrated or criticized? Where do we go from here?
I'm actually happier not having to compromise about my children's upbringing especially since my ex was raised Muslim and had a lot different ideas about how to raise children. Since the divorce the kids sleep in my room some weekends and stay up late to watch life-changing programming like the American Idol finale. (who knew Prince would be there?) We have lots of fun and take life as it comes. They laugh when I burn dinner and we are learning to cook together. They are my best friends but I don't allow myself to become dependent on their company. I have to remain the "Mommy" and I do so. But will there ever be a "partner" for me to share this duty with? After the last year I'm not so sure that's what I want. Honestly.

The Announcement

2006-05-24T12:06:00.000-05:00

This is so strange that although I'm a writer and I've considered myself a writer since elementary school, I've totally been avoiding blogging. It seems fadish and there is such a thing as TMI (too much information). But I have succumbed to the blog-o-rama. In part it's because I've been having a hard time dealing with my situation. I fall back into denial every other day. So I figured what better way to deal with my situation than to put it on Front Street. So I've invited you all to take a peek into my world.

I've been divorced since November 11, 2005. It's been liberating. I have found pieces of myself that have been dead and buried for years. I also discovered talents and gifts that enabled me to get through this process. I was a lot stronger than I thought I was. I think my ex and I held things together as long as we could but under the circumstances we are better people apart than together. I still love him as a person and hope that one day we can be friends again. For right now we have minimal contact and he's not involved in our children's lives but that's another blog.

Where I thought I was over dealing with lust and fornication I quickly found out after separating that it's very difficult to "hang out" and "date" without taking things to a physical level. I ran into an ex-boyfriend with whom I had unfinished business. Our relationship was so much of what I was missing in my marriage. We had engaging conversations, eye contact, long hours spent one-on-one and we genuinely were connected to each other. Soon we were engaged in all aspects of one anothers lives. We got physical, and I got pregnant. Not only did I get pregnant, I conceived twins.

I decided to separate from this individual in order to reevaluate my walk with Christ and my personal goals and aspirations. I'm not ready to combine my life with another man at this point in any other way than co-parenting. I love the feeling of being loved and adored but I'm not willing to sacrifice the things I sacrificed in the past to be married. And I only want to be married one more time.

I'm 18 weeks pregnant with babies number four and five and I'm scared, excited, and blessed. I know just like Kalia, Kaissa and Jamir, these babies are born with a purpose and a plan larger than what I can see right now. Jamir has named the twins Jeremiah and Kaya- they are due on October 24, 2006. Pray for me and with me and join me in this awesome journey. I love you all!