"Who can find a virtuous woman, for her worth is far above rubies." Proverbs 31:10 Chances are you know one; perhaps you were raised or mentored by one; you may aspire to become one; more than likely you have never heard one discribed in such detail as the Bible lays out in Proverbs 31. Everyday I read a Proverbs which corresponds to the day of the Month. Since today is May 31- I read Proverbs 31 and was reminded of the woman who's "children arise and call her blessed; Her husband also, and he praises her." So many of us are working hard with no one to say "you are blessed, you are praised, you are honored." Your children calling you blessed, honoring you and respecting you is different than being their friend. So many mothers don't want to appear angry, bitter, and hostile, like their mothers. But in return they are hanging with their daughters and not setting the standards very high.
These past few months have reminded me of how important it is to set a good example for your children. My four year old son asked me one night if he could get his wife pregnant before they got married. I said no. He said, but Mom, we'll be happy- pregnant then married. I didn't make a big deal about it because he's only four, but it greatly concerned me. What example am I setting for my children? It weighs on me heavily. But more than following rules and such, I want to teach them to follow God and follow their heart (insticts). I think they will go far in life. Our mistakes are what make us stronger and make us who we are.
The virtuous woman who works hard and is appreciated by her family. That sounds like a good goal to me. And like my blog says yesterday what we do each day determines what those in our lives will ultimately say about us. What are we doing today to become the virtuous woman of tomorrow?
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Love is in the Details
"We fear success with good reason. We've got a lot at stake. Success brings change, and change is uncomfortable. But by attempting to achieve one challenge at a time, we redefine success for ourselves and those we love."
— Sarah Ban Breathnach
Oprah says "Love is in the Details." In the beginning, I resisted that thought. I'm a "Big Picture" person. I like thinking of the grandiose ideas that will change the world. I drop the idea but as soon as people start saying "how?" I'm mentally outta there. My brain just doesn't support the details. I've been fired from jobs because I made simple mistakes or because I wasn't "paying close enough attention to the details." I've come to realize that I probably have ADD, and that my brain works differently than those who are able to think inside the box. It's okay. It's one reason why I'm always caught up in the moment. But there are pluses too. I see the world in colors other people don't see. I hear things and think of solutions that would have never crossed someone else's mind. I'm a problem solver, and outside of the box thinker and I will not apologize anymore for how I am.
Anyway, this morning as I was praying I realized that God wants me to pay more attention to the small stuff. There's a book that says "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff, and it's all small stuff." It's true that we shouldn't become stressed out of things that won't matter two years from now. However, there comes a time when you need to realize that there are very few big moments in life. Instead life is made up of many little moments; lots of small stuff. It's how you wake up in the morning; how you start your day; what you eat; what you say; what music you listen to; how many of your personal goals you accomplish in 24 hours. If you have a big picture, figure out how the small stuff fits into the picture. You cannot fit into your size 8 jeans without paying attention to what you eat (or don't eat) for breakfast. You cannot amass wealth if you don't begin spending more frugally today. It's all about what you do from minute to minute. How you chose to make decisions about each and everything.
This blog for me seemed like something small, however, I've begun to see how this is part of the big picture. I've spent hours studying for the bar exam (twice) not to mention the hundreds of thousands of dollars I spent in law school. How much time have I put into becoming a better writer, or even using the written word to be a light to the world. Sobering thought. How much time have you put towards your gift? Cultivate it; take care of it; share it. Open yourself to how the small stuff is having a big impact on your life.
— Sarah Ban Breathnach
Oprah says "Love is in the Details." In the beginning, I resisted that thought. I'm a "Big Picture" person. I like thinking of the grandiose ideas that will change the world. I drop the idea but as soon as people start saying "how?" I'm mentally outta there. My brain just doesn't support the details. I've been fired from jobs because I made simple mistakes or because I wasn't "paying close enough attention to the details." I've come to realize that I probably have ADD, and that my brain works differently than those who are able to think inside the box. It's okay. It's one reason why I'm always caught up in the moment. But there are pluses too. I see the world in colors other people don't see. I hear things and think of solutions that would have never crossed someone else's mind. I'm a problem solver, and outside of the box thinker and I will not apologize anymore for how I am.
Anyway, this morning as I was praying I realized that God wants me to pay more attention to the small stuff. There's a book that says "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff, and it's all small stuff." It's true that we shouldn't become stressed out of things that won't matter two years from now. However, there comes a time when you need to realize that there are very few big moments in life. Instead life is made up of many little moments; lots of small stuff. It's how you wake up in the morning; how you start your day; what you eat; what you say; what music you listen to; how many of your personal goals you accomplish in 24 hours. If you have a big picture, figure out how the small stuff fits into the picture. You cannot fit into your size 8 jeans without paying attention to what you eat (or don't eat) for breakfast. You cannot amass wealth if you don't begin spending more frugally today. It's all about what you do from minute to minute. How you chose to make decisions about each and everything.
This blog for me seemed like something small, however, I've begun to see how this is part of the big picture. I've spent hours studying for the bar exam (twice) not to mention the hundreds of thousands of dollars I spent in law school. How much time have I put into becoming a better writer, or even using the written word to be a light to the world. Sobering thought. How much time have you put towards your gift? Cultivate it; take care of it; share it. Open yourself to how the small stuff is having a big impact on your life.
Friday, May 26, 2006
Choosing Life
Is it possible to be pro-choice and pro-life at the same time? I feel everyone should be able to choose when and where to start their family, however, I feel that life is sacred and valuable and should be protected at all costs. None of my children were concieved on purpose but each time I was faced with a decision I made the choice that I felt was right at that time in my life. I didn't always choose life, I will tell you honestly, but I always felt like was sacred and to be respected. Believe it or not, the two pregnancies that I entered into conciously after I was married ended in miscarriage. That is life's bitter irony. And that's really when I learned how tenuous life is. I learned that God is really in control and no matter how advanced our technology has gotten, we still cannot take the place of God Almighty. After my miscarriages I was infertile for a year before shockingly becoming pregnant with my son. So, I've gone through being overly fertile, infertile, miscarriages, abortion, and multiple pregnancy. Talk about life experiences.
The time I chose not to continue my pregnancy, I did so because I really didn't feel that was an option for me. I decided so early in life not to become a mother. Then when it happened I did not want to be with the person I was pregnant by. He insisted that I get an abortion and the institution that I was in (college) basically did not even give me the option of remaining pregnant and continuing in school. I got in counseling because during my pregnancy I had nightmares of abusing and neglecting the child I was carrying. Through months of intensive counseling I discovered that there were issues I was carrying around that kept me from being able to visualize myself as a mother. Once I started sorting through that baggage I found myself pregnant again (this time using birth control.) So even though I had slipped the first time, I'd been really careful the second time and still because pregnant. I decided fate had intervened and decided it was time for me to have a child. Kalia was born nine months later.
Kaissa was concieved using birth control as well (condoms) and because I'd had Kalia and swore to God on the operating table that I would never take life for granted again, she was born. Following her birth, I married her father (see previous blog) and had the two aforementioned miscarriages and period of infertility. After our son was born, my ex got permanent birth control and the issue of whether or not to have more children became a non-issue.
When the twins were concieved I can say I was truly "caught up." There was no thought of using birth control or anything else other than being in the moment. Because this was a person I had dated for much of my childhood and adolescence, there were feelings there that I never could have anticipated. Having gone so long without a concern for birth control and not planning to get physical kept me from being able to do what was necessary to control the conception of these two gifts. So now here I sit. Wanting so badly to empower other young African-American women so that no matter what situation they find themselves in they know that they can still be someone. A man doesn't determine our self-worth. God is the only one that can make us feel that we are worthy on the inside. Until we allow Him to fill us up we are walking around empty looking for anything: food, sex, drugs, shopping, work, etc. to fill us up. I am learning now to be filled by God and to be content with Him no matter what situation I find myself in. This is a lot more difficult that it sounds. My brain knows intuitively that I should depend on God for everything, but my heart is prideful and afraid to look to anyone besides myself for happiness for fear that I may be let down. Being pregnant out-of-wedlock at a time when I felt the closest to God has been humbling and it has shown me that God loves me unconditionally because I'm Tanikka, not because of how I act. He created me and knew what my strengths and weaknesses were before I was formed in my mother's womb (see the Book of Jeremiah). I am confident not in my own ability but in the ability of God to make something out of my nothingness. I feel your vibes, your prayers and your concern. I feel you holding your breath to see if I will fall. Yes, I have fallen. But I will pick up the pieces and sit down for however long it takes to put it all back together.
Piece by Piece, it's coming together. A mirror, once shattered and once showing a distorted reflection of myself is now coming together to create a brautiful picture of the true me.
The time I chose not to continue my pregnancy, I did so because I really didn't feel that was an option for me. I decided so early in life not to become a mother. Then when it happened I did not want to be with the person I was pregnant by. He insisted that I get an abortion and the institution that I was in (college) basically did not even give me the option of remaining pregnant and continuing in school. I got in counseling because during my pregnancy I had nightmares of abusing and neglecting the child I was carrying. Through months of intensive counseling I discovered that there were issues I was carrying around that kept me from being able to visualize myself as a mother. Once I started sorting through that baggage I found myself pregnant again (this time using birth control.) So even though I had slipped the first time, I'd been really careful the second time and still because pregnant. I decided fate had intervened and decided it was time for me to have a child. Kalia was born nine months later.
Kaissa was concieved using birth control as well (condoms) and because I'd had Kalia and swore to God on the operating table that I would never take life for granted again, she was born. Following her birth, I married her father (see previous blog) and had the two aforementioned miscarriages and period of infertility. After our son was born, my ex got permanent birth control and the issue of whether or not to have more children became a non-issue.
When the twins were concieved I can say I was truly "caught up." There was no thought of using birth control or anything else other than being in the moment. Because this was a person I had dated for much of my childhood and adolescence, there were feelings there that I never could have anticipated. Having gone so long without a concern for birth control and not planning to get physical kept me from being able to do what was necessary to control the conception of these two gifts. So now here I sit. Wanting so badly to empower other young African-American women so that no matter what situation they find themselves in they know that they can still be someone. A man doesn't determine our self-worth. God is the only one that can make us feel that we are worthy on the inside. Until we allow Him to fill us up we are walking around empty looking for anything: food, sex, drugs, shopping, work, etc. to fill us up. I am learning now to be filled by God and to be content with Him no matter what situation I find myself in. This is a lot more difficult that it sounds. My brain knows intuitively that I should depend on God for everything, but my heart is prideful and afraid to look to anyone besides myself for happiness for fear that I may be let down. Being pregnant out-of-wedlock at a time when I felt the closest to God has been humbling and it has shown me that God loves me unconditionally because I'm Tanikka, not because of how I act. He created me and knew what my strengths and weaknesses were before I was formed in my mother's womb (see the Book of Jeremiah). I am confident not in my own ability but in the ability of God to make something out of my nothingness. I feel your vibes, your prayers and your concern. I feel you holding your breath to see if I will fall. Yes, I have fallen. But I will pick up the pieces and sit down for however long it takes to put it all back together.
Piece by Piece, it's coming together. A mirror, once shattered and once showing a distorted reflection of myself is now coming together to create a brautiful picture of the true me.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
The Day After
I am so overwhelmed by all the wonderful things my friends and family had to say. Thank you so much. I don't know what I did to deserve such awesome people in my life but I appreciate it so much. I am surprised that there were no comments made from anger or hurt. Thank you so much. I know some of you may have felt dissapointment and shock but all I felt from your responses and emails was support and love.
So, this morning I woke up on a rampage about fathers. Where are the fathers? I mean literally and figuratively. I don't feel bad about being a single mother and I think maybe I should. Let me back up. Growing up, I never wanted to have children. When I found myself pregnant in college with Kalia, I decided to have her and thought "I can do this." My thesis was entitled "Moving Beyond Invisibility: America's Perceptions of Young, Single, Black Motherhood." In my thesis I proposed that the reason so many young, single mothers ended up on welfare or didn't live up to their dreams was because they didn't recieve the support necessary to succeed. I found my support and was able to graduate from Vassar and go on to Law School. I proposed that if everyone could feel as empowered as I felt and recieve the support I felt, there would be a lot more successful single mothers.
When I decided to get married, so much of my reasoning was because I had decided I didn't want to be a single mother anymore. Deciding to get married was the most rational decision I ever made. I just made a list of what qualities I wanted in a "family" and decided that outweighed what I wanted as an individual (big mistake). I put my needs and desires to the side for the good of having a family and "doing the right thing." I believed then that it was better for a child to grow up with two parents. Now, I'm not too sure. Well, I guess I'm sure that philosophically a child should have both parents but in today's world, I'm not sure that affords the child the best chance for success. (I've used success alot but I define that as the ability to be happy with who you are and feel comfortable achieving your life purpose, whatever that is).
The other thing I find myself pondering is why is it that regardless of how involved a father starts out- they have beef with the mom and check out. (Black fathers in particular) My father checked out after he and my mother were divorced and I didn't see him for five or six years. Now deja vu with my children's father. What is it in men that allow them to walk out despite the investment they have made in their children's lives? Why is it that women invariably end up carrying the "mother" load? I read today that there are more children growing up in single-mother households than in two-parent households. What does that say about society? Is that to be celebrated or criticized? Where do we go from here?
I'm actually happier not having to compromise about my children's upbringing especially since my ex was raised Muslim and had a lot different ideas about how to raise children. Since the divorce the kids sleep in my room some weekends and stay up late to watch life-changing programming like the American Idol finale. (who knew Prince would be there?) We have lots of fun and take life as it comes. They laugh when I burn dinner and we are learning to cook together. They are my best friends but I don't allow myself to become dependent on their company. I have to remain the "Mommy" and I do so. But will there ever be a "partner" for me to share this duty with? After the last year I'm not so sure that's what I want. Honestly.
So, this morning I woke up on a rampage about fathers. Where are the fathers? I mean literally and figuratively. I don't feel bad about being a single mother and I think maybe I should. Let me back up. Growing up, I never wanted to have children. When I found myself pregnant in college with Kalia, I decided to have her and thought "I can do this." My thesis was entitled "Moving Beyond Invisibility: America's Perceptions of Young, Single, Black Motherhood." In my thesis I proposed that the reason so many young, single mothers ended up on welfare or didn't live up to their dreams was because they didn't recieve the support necessary to succeed. I found my support and was able to graduate from Vassar and go on to Law School. I proposed that if everyone could feel as empowered as I felt and recieve the support I felt, there would be a lot more successful single mothers.
When I decided to get married, so much of my reasoning was because I had decided I didn't want to be a single mother anymore. Deciding to get married was the most rational decision I ever made. I just made a list of what qualities I wanted in a "family" and decided that outweighed what I wanted as an individual (big mistake). I put my needs and desires to the side for the good of having a family and "doing the right thing." I believed then that it was better for a child to grow up with two parents. Now, I'm not too sure. Well, I guess I'm sure that philosophically a child should have both parents but in today's world, I'm not sure that affords the child the best chance for success. (I've used success alot but I define that as the ability to be happy with who you are and feel comfortable achieving your life purpose, whatever that is).
The other thing I find myself pondering is why is it that regardless of how involved a father starts out- they have beef with the mom and check out. (Black fathers in particular) My father checked out after he and my mother were divorced and I didn't see him for five or six years. Now deja vu with my children's father. What is it in men that allow them to walk out despite the investment they have made in their children's lives? Why is it that women invariably end up carrying the "mother" load? I read today that there are more children growing up in single-mother households than in two-parent households. What does that say about society? Is that to be celebrated or criticized? Where do we go from here?
I'm actually happier not having to compromise about my children's upbringing especially since my ex was raised Muslim and had a lot different ideas about how to raise children. Since the divorce the kids sleep in my room some weekends and stay up late to watch life-changing programming like the American Idol finale. (who knew Prince would be there?) We have lots of fun and take life as it comes. They laugh when I burn dinner and we are learning to cook together. They are my best friends but I don't allow myself to become dependent on their company. I have to remain the "Mommy" and I do so. But will there ever be a "partner" for me to share this duty with? After the last year I'm not so sure that's what I want. Honestly.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
The Announcement
This is so strange that although I'm a writer and I've considered myself a writer since elementary school, I've totally been avoiding blogging. It seems fadish and there is such a thing as TMI (too much information). But I have succumbed to the blog-o-rama. In part it's because I've been having a hard time dealing with my situation. I fall back into denial every other day. So I figured what better way to deal with my situation than to put it on Front Street. So I've invited you all to take a peek into my world.
I've been divorced since November 11, 2005. It's been liberating. I have found pieces of myself that have been dead and buried for years. I also discovered talents and gifts that enabled me to get through this process. I was a lot stronger than I thought I was. I think my ex and I held things together as long as we could but under the circumstances we are better people apart than together. I still love him as a person and hope that one day we can be friends again. For right now we have minimal contact and he's not involved in our children's lives but that's another blog.
Where I thought I was over dealing with lust and fornication I quickly found out after separating that it's very difficult to "hang out" and "date" without taking things to a physical level. I ran into an ex-boyfriend with whom I had unfinished business. Our relationship was so much of what I was missing in my marriage. We had engaging conversations, eye contact, long hours spent one-on-one and we genuinely were connected to each other. Soon we were engaged in all aspects of one anothers lives. We got physical, and I got pregnant. Not only did I get pregnant, I conceived twins.
I decided to separate from this individual in order to reevaluate my walk with Christ and my personal goals and aspirations. I'm not ready to combine my life with another man at this point in any other way than co-parenting. I love the feeling of being loved and adored but I'm not willing to sacrifice the things I sacrificed in the past to be married. And I only want to be married one more time.
I'm 18 weeks pregnant with babies number four and five and I'm scared, excited, and blessed. I know just like Kalia, Kaissa and Jamir, these babies are born with a purpose and a plan larger than what I can see right now. Jamir has named the twins Jeremiah and Kaya- they are due on October 24, 2006. Pray for me and with me and join me in this awesome journey. I love you all!
I've been divorced since November 11, 2005. It's been liberating. I have found pieces of myself that have been dead and buried for years. I also discovered talents and gifts that enabled me to get through this process. I was a lot stronger than I thought I was. I think my ex and I held things together as long as we could but under the circumstances we are better people apart than together. I still love him as a person and hope that one day we can be friends again. For right now we have minimal contact and he's not involved in our children's lives but that's another blog.
Where I thought I was over dealing with lust and fornication I quickly found out after separating that it's very difficult to "hang out" and "date" without taking things to a physical level. I ran into an ex-boyfriend with whom I had unfinished business. Our relationship was so much of what I was missing in my marriage. We had engaging conversations, eye contact, long hours spent one-on-one and we genuinely were connected to each other. Soon we were engaged in all aspects of one anothers lives. We got physical, and I got pregnant. Not only did I get pregnant, I conceived twins.
I decided to separate from this individual in order to reevaluate my walk with Christ and my personal goals and aspirations. I'm not ready to combine my life with another man at this point in any other way than co-parenting. I love the feeling of being loved and adored but I'm not willing to sacrifice the things I sacrificed in the past to be married. And I only want to be married one more time.
I'm 18 weeks pregnant with babies number four and five and I'm scared, excited, and blessed. I know just like Kalia, Kaissa and Jamir, these babies are born with a purpose and a plan larger than what I can see right now. Jamir has named the twins Jeremiah and Kaya- they are due on October 24, 2006. Pray for me and with me and join me in this awesome journey. I love you all!
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