Loving My Life

It's taken a long time but I'm really loving my life. I'm discovering so much about myself now that I'm by myself with life growing inside me. I have a lot more time to think and react than I have in my adult life. I'm seeing things that have remained constant and things that have changed over time. There is no changing a lot of things about our personality, but there are things we can improve upon daily. These babies are really forcing me to evaluate everything about the past 31 years. I'm finding that there is so much pain that I have held onto that it is finally time to let go of. My Pastor always says you can't change things you aren't willing to confront. And I am dealing with the fact that I was harmed deeply when my father left the household when I was five years old. I had just been molested by a cousin a few months before and I guess all that pain got rolled up into one. Just when I think I'm over those feelings of betrayal, pain, abandonment, and neglect, something happens to make me go back to that scared little girl balled up in the corner on the floor. Just the other day I was turning the channels when I saw some Kelly Clarkson video. I don't know the name of the song but she was basically telling her dad in the video that because of him she was scared to love, scared to live, and scared to move forward. I definitely identified with that song and video and prayed to ask God once again when the pain would end. It's the gaping hole that I try to fill when I say yes to physical relationships that are beneath where I'm trying to be or trying to go. I haven't spoke to my Father since Father's Day because I called him that day and he was short and curt. It hurt. Again. It's a lot like the communication in my marriage- we are speaking different languages and expecting the other party to say what we want them to say. I'm still trying to love my father- past, present and future, and I keep nurturing the hurt little girl within. But the pain is still there.

Breakthrough

For the first time last night I dreamed I was pregnant with twins. I believe this is a true breakthrough because allegedly your dreams are your subconscious mind working through your issues. I dreamt that I was expectant and I went over Tom Cruise's house where I met his seven or eight kids which included a set of twins. He was married to a Greek woman. In this dream I was the celebrity (that happens quite often in my dreams) they were so excited to be meeting me. In addition, I was about a size 12 (in real life I'm a size 18). I wonder what it means that I'm always size 9 in my dreams? I want to know if that means I'm in denial about my weight or if I have never allowed my weight to define me?

Being overweight, obese, plus size, those things never suited me. Instead, I tend to think of myself as a beautiful woman who just happens to have to shop at the Avenue, or Lane Bryant. I always thought I could do anything that a skinny girl could do and never had a lot of resentment from other women who were smaller. Different strokes for different folks. Some like small girls, some like big girls!

Anyway, back to my breakthrough. So, last night when I met Tom Cruise and his twins, I told he and his wife that I was pregnant with twins. Even as I was saying it I was having an ephiphany that this was real, that I was really pregnant with twins and that at 22 weeks they were more likely than not to be a reality in my life. For the past 20 weeks, if anything had happened and the twins had come early, they would not have made it. But now, in just two more weeks they will be viable- that means they can survive outside of the womb although they will be four months premature. So, I'm starting to feel more like this is real. And my dream proved that I'm actually accepting this change in my life.

An AOL essay entitled: "Dreams: the Language of the Subconscious" contains the following quote: "To become self-aware, we should look first at what the inner self may be trying to express through dreams. Some dreams take on the burdens we cannot or choose not to face - these dreams warn or relieve stress. Others offer us circumstances and fantasies that we cannot experience in the present physical body. These dreams entertain and relieve stress. Occasionally there are dreams that make contact with long distance, other time periods, or future events. These are the dreams we seek -- the ones that can be the true source of a deja vu or that prove to have been prophetic."

So, my dreams have finally caught up with reality. I'm really, truly having twins and embarking upon a new chapter in my young life. Good Night, Good Luck and Sweet Dreams!

WOW! Four on the Way...

Okay, I'm having twins and that's a big deal especially considering I'm a single mom and I have three older children. However, meet Kayla. She's a 20 year old single mother who had "safe sex" and became pregnant with quadruplet! Without any sort of fertility drugs. This girl is amazing. She is going through a pregnancy with four babies on the way, an although she has no other children and she has just graduated from college she is still shocked and overwhelmed. She lives in the same house with her mother and sister and they are all committed to raising the babies together. What an inspiration to me.

Kayla may have her own blog sometimes soon. See, two years ago, she was asleep on the couch at her mother's house when a car missed the turn and ran into her living room. The car actually landed on top of her. When her Mom came downstairs to see what the commotion was she fell on the car because the stairs were gone. And young Kayla? Survived with only a few scratches. Now the "miracle" quadruplets. So... Do we really control the circumstances and events in our lives or is there a greater force making the final call?

Kayla has me feeling really prepared for my situation. Her first pregnancy is Quads, she's single, educated but unemployed (there's a lot of that going on in Columbus), living at home with her mother, etc. But there is one thing that we both have in common: support. We are both supported by wonderful family and friends and we are both extremely optimistic about what lies ahead in our future. I can't wait to see what becomes of Kayla and her four babies. Wow...four on the way...

The Bible, Biology and Bioethics

This is a rather difficult post to write but I'm just going to spit it out. Many people wonder how do people keep having babies when there is a plethora of birth control to choose from and use? I believe it's because the body was not designed to use birth control but it was designed to procreate. Watching a DVD called "The Miracle of Life" by Linnart Nilsson, the kids and I learned that during ovulation women's eyes change as well as their skin. All these changes make them more easily aroused in the bodies attempt to ensure that mating occurs within the 24 hour window that the egg is able to be fertilized. Yes, people, just like in the wild, we are hard wired to reproduce. Hormones are released during ovulation that make the slightest touch create arousal. So... that could explain why I was in rare form the day the twins were conceived. Now this is not to excuse the sin, or to suggest that we should not practice so-called "safe sex." I'm just saying for some of us with stronger response mechanisms, once aroused, there may not be such thing as "safe sex."

Kalia was conceived using the diaphragm, Kaissa was conceived using condoms which were later recalled because they were drying out and small holes were forming. Jamir... not sure about that one, but you get the point. No birth control is 100%, and our bodies are so interested in reproducing that they can get around birth control methods. After ejaculation millions of sperm are released, however, only one (or in my case two eggs/two sperms) penetrate the eggs. What odds!? Also, the male and female must maintain a certain body heat during the act in order for reproduction to take place. It may seem easy for me to get pregnant, but ask the many people who have struggled with infertility- once we trick our bodies into thwarting the reproduction process for years, sometimes even decades, we wonder why the body will no longer respond the way it was designed?

Maybe I'll get some negative feedback on this blog. But I don't think that we were designed to need birth control (BC). In an ideal situation, there would be no need for BC (just ask the Catholic Church where BC is still not allowed). The jury is still out on whether or not God approves of BC, however, there is a story in Genesis of Judah, whose son "spilled his seed on the ground" when going into Tamar (pulled out) and God struck him dead for this abomination. I don't know...But I'm just saying- it's a natural urge to mate during ovulation- we were wired and programmed that way. Is sex education class enough to keep us from doing what we are hard wired to do?

Tribute to Tupac (on his birthday)

in your words i hear an echo of things to come
a reminder of the brevity of all things good
you were the kind of thing that dreams are made of
in you i saw the world
through a black boys eyes
falling with you
getting angry with you
fighting with you
i was imprisoned with you
and set free with you
but like you, never acquitted,
although the evidence was planted
even if you never knew,
I knew.

and i stood for you as much as I could
although my existence moved from concrete jungle to institutional fallacies
deemed liberal art
liberal in nothing by judgments and boxes
that i was just too big to fit
like you were too big to fit in life
larger than life
you are more suited to death
and your dark form
and your spirit
which gave me chills the times we met
and i saw the eerie reflection of my destiny in your eyes
i hold on to that first time, knowing then that an early demise was your calling
i thought you would start the revolution
having been gunned down in the streets by the police
what i didn’t realize then in my youth, was that true revolution begins in the mind
and your lyrics can’t die
you are alive and no longer confined to a body
you float freely
visiting me in my dreams
telling me to keep my head up
when the world gets me down
it’s all about me
because you said so

dear mama
i know she will understand how you will live forever
how your martyrdom status allows you to cross cultural boundaries
it’s no longer about mtv it’s about channeling and spiritualist
we can see you and feel you and

i will carry forth your message
your name, shining serpent only fits you in this dark time that we are living in now.
you shine against the moonlight
in the garden of eden
where you wanted to go
because you wanted to know
what it’s like to truly be tempted

could you say no to eve?
could you rewrite our history/
give up your rib and not submit?
turn it down in the garden and again on the dance floor?
rewrite your history?
come to Vassar with me?
fight your intellectual battles in the classrooms and
wait for the Platinum albums with me?
grow to be a parent with me?
have your first book of poetry turned down by a publisher with me?
because that means there’s a tomorrow
could you, would you say no to temptation?

there’s no fighting destiny
and like a valiant prince who knows he must fight for his people
you carried that knowledge and that melancholy in your eyes
a soldier at battle
who’s remains couldn’t be buried
they stand proudly on your dear mama’s mantle
the one you passed
and stopped and stared at
when you were home

you wanted that for your

final resting place

you left a piece of yourself with us all before you left

now rest

and watch

Becoming Whole

I realized that this stage in my life is more about becoming whole than about becoming Tanikka. I've always managed to be true to myself and make choices I could live with, but now I must become whole so I don't keep reaching to things which are holding me back from my destiny.

I want to respond to issue #2 that's come up in response to my Blog: God's role in my life. I am the Captain of my ship, the Master of my fate, but God is the wind. Anyone who has been in a sailboat knows you can only go where the wind blows. So I feel like, although I have free will and I make choices everyday, God is still ultimately in control. And if I keep my faith in Him, I will ultimately fufill my purpose on Earth. Anyone who has read the purpose driven life knows there is no purpose outside of God.

So... I hope that clears up some confusion. This is not blind faith in Grandma's religion, this is faith that comes from living through life experiences where I could have physically died had it not been for something greater than I; I could have lost my mind; or at the very least resorted to alcohol and drugs to cope. But through it all, I have learned that the more you go through, the more you can find yourself trusting in God.

I'm becoming whole. And I've finally given myself permission to take it slow. I bears repeating- this is not an overnight metamorphisis, but rather a process to get to the root of the hurt and pain inside and find healing and wholeness. This blog is one step in that direction. I am committing myself to unleashing the writer within. I am nurturing that side of me and believe that this will lead me to my destiny.

Good Night and Good Luck (I just always wanted to say that- George Clooney is so cool!)

Becoming Tanikka Part II

This blogging has been theraputic for me. I thank you all for being involved during this time. Thank you for your prayers, emails, and phone calls of love and concern. I want to address a few things that keep coming up:

First of all: I have had an epiphany about my relationship to my education. When I first became immersed in private school it was an all-black Christian school where I attended from First to Third grade. From Third to Seventh Grade I attended public school. When I finally went back to Private School I was in a class where I was only one of two African-Americans. It was culture shock to say the least. Part of me felt that I had to hold on to my blackness "by any means necessary." One way I felt I could do this was by speaking the vernacular as much as possible. I heard many black people including my mother talk with her "white voice" when doing business on the phone and then talk "regular" when on the phone with her girls. I decided that unlike Paul Laurence Dunbar's poem "We Wear the Mask" I would not live the Double-Consciousness that so many African-American's choose to live in daily. (See W.E.B. Dubois On Double Consciousness http://www.bartleby.com/114/1.html)

I wanted to be a person of Integrity. I wanted to speak the same whether I was speaking to my friends or the President of Vassar College. I maintained that Integrity but I feel it may have been at a price. Instead of embracing the ways that my education has changed me and enhanced my life; I have fought my educational influences, not wanting to laud the privledges over anyone else's head. However, I want to apologize for those who have invested and sacrificed in order for me to have the education I have obtained. I realize through a conversation with a friend I've had for thirteen years that I should embrace the total package of who I am. That includes my High School prepratory education from The Wellington School; my BA in American Culture from Vassar College; and my legal degree from Capital University. There- I said it! I'm educated.

And as a sign that I'm educated I'm going to begin to watch my use of the vernacular. I am going to enunciate when I speak especially to my children and I ask for your help in making this transition. If you talk to me and hear me speaking only in slang (can I still say "What's Up? Shut up! Girl!?") please remind me of this pledge I've made. I am a work in progress and I need to accept all facets of who I am. Speech is very important and I don't need to dumb down my speech to be accepted or fit in with the people I love. Watch out world- epiphanies abound!

Becoming Tanikka

It's amazing to be 31 and still be discovering who I am. I love this process of tearing down things I've always believed and held true and replacing those things with new beliefs. There are no limits to what we can do and learn; our ability to adapt is unbelievable. Take for instance my ability to cook. I've never been a cook and it was one of the reasons why I never planned on marrying and having children. My mother was a fabulous cook and I don't know why, I just never saw myself in the kitchen that way. I loved pizza and pretty much could have survived on pizza and canned foods, but I had a baby in college and entered into a relationship with someone who could cook and who assured me I would never have to worry about cooking.

How soon things change. When I first found myself single, shopping was unbearable and cooking was a disaster. We lived out of fast food places and the kids weight reflected that. But now, as I face a life as mother of five children, my maternal instincts are kicking in to the max. I wake up with a craving for fresh French toast, oranges, bananas, and bacon, and guess what? I cook! It's amazing for me and for the children.

Just imagine what other uncharted territory there is for me to conquer? Self esteem and encouragement from others goes a long way. I can do it! I think to myself as I'm standing over the stove, and I believe I can. So... What do you believe you can do today that you told yourself yesterday you couldn't? DO IT... And believe.

Fear Not

Yesterday I went to an ultrasound appointment. It was a shocking experience. The first shock was that the Doctor's saw TWO GIRLS! I was planning on a girl and a boy (so was Jamir). However, whatever I am blessed with I will be grateful and happy. That means Jamir will be the only boy with four sisters. Anyway, the Doctor found a spot on
Baby B's brain which may indicate either Down Syndrome or Patau Syndrome, neither or which is a good diagnosis. He assured me that it only occurs in 3% of all cases of babies born with this brain spot, but Patau Syndrome is usually fatal. The Doctor advised that I could get an amnio which would tell defnitively whether the baby had either syndrome, but the test itself comes with the risk of miscarriage and/or increased birth defect.

When faced with that choice, my fear said "get the test, you need to know. How can you continue to carry a baby that may not make it?" But faith stepped in and said, "trust in God. He will never lead you where His grace cannot carry you." Although I was overwhelmed, I told the Doctor regardless of the diagnosis, I would carry the baby to full-term and put her in God's hands. After talking about the option of having a selective abortion (IN NYC) of the one fetus, I assured the Doctor I was going to see this one to the end. He then scheduled an appointment for me in two weeks because my cervix is beginning to shorten. This could be an indication of preterm labor. So, all you faith walkers, we really need your prayers. God is able and I know He will bring us through no matter what happens.

When I thought about how scary this situation was, especially after I looked up Patau Syndrome on Google, I heard God saying "FEAR NOT." I wrote a song called Fear Not where the chorus says,
Fear Not/What men may say
Fear Not/When trouble comes your way
Fear Not/No matter what you see
Fear Not/the World but Fear Me.

Sometimes you have to be reminded... So I will walk this walk, battling fear and believing by Faith that it will all work to His Glory. Love and Peace

Life is What You Make It

I realized yesterday that life is a series of habits. You get in the habit of brushing your teeth, making up your bed (or not), going to school, working, etc. I was over the twins Godparents house and I was struck by how orderly things were in their house considering the fact that there was an infant and a three year old. Both children were bathed and in bed at a set time, the house was clean, primarily because the parents got hours after the kids were asleep to do what needed to be done. My household has never been like that! I've always just gone with the flow...Now I'm rethinking.

Devon told me that the key is setting a schedule and sticking to it no matter what. It's going to be even more necessary now that I'm having twins. I know now why God has this couple as the twins Godparents. Whatever you do today will determine where you go tomorrow. I touched on this in an earlier blog: we need to start making the small choices that will lead to the life we have all envisioned. I realized that now that motherhood has thrust itself upon me, I want it to be my focus. I love to write, so I can do that as well, but some of you will be surprised to find out that I am giving up my dreams of being a high powered female-Johnny Cocran. For now.

I'll still be young when my youngest child get's out of High School and I'll be able to assume any career I choose. Until then, I'm going to take it slow (as slow as possible with five kids) and focus on utilizing my creative energy for the greater good. Think about what you do today- your habits- are they leading to life or death? We must get a hold of our habits! Today...

Marital Bond or Marital Bondage?

So, people get married and divorced everyday. Unfortunately, I know of several marriages, including mine, which ended within the past year. I know marriage is honorable and of the Lord, but what's the problem? Marriage is a covenant between man, woman and God until death do us part. But divorce came in because people were not living the way they were called by God to live. Divorce is rampant in the church so how do we figure out what's going wrong?

I thought about the marital bond and to me it felt more like marital bondage. A bond between to people is seamless, you will not see where one end begins and the other ends. However, when one is in bondage you can clearly see the ropes that bind that person. Their hands may be tied in front of them where they can see the bondage, or the hands may be behind their back where they cannot clearly see the bonds. That was my case. I didn't go into the marriage thinking "if this doesn't work, I'll get a divorce" I truly married "till death do us part." But there comes a time when the bondage begins to stifle your growth and impede your breathing. It becomes a time when you have to choose life over tradition and even stability. It's easy to continue doing what you've always done because it's comfortable even when it's killing you. It takes courage and faith to launch into the deep and step out on the water.

I wish I would not have gotten divorced, but more importantly I wish I would have been more prayerful before I got married. I was not walking with the Lord at the time I decided to get married and so I was not making the decision according to the Word. However, there are people that I know who met their mate in the church, got counseling, got married and are now in the process of getting divorce. Will marriage survive?

I would love to get married again, but my next husband will have a high price to pay. I will trust my instincts at every hand and at the first sign that things don't look right, I'm out. Now, some may say that it's not fair to punish someone for my ex's transgressions. But I feel that I am more happy and whole by myself than I am in bondage to an anchor that's sinking.

I still believe in marriage and think that it's a beautiful thing. I think it's a manifestation of the union that occurs between God the Father and Jesus, His son. But there are a lot of kinks that need to be worked out in our modern day marriage to keep us out of bondage. I think when I see the seamless joining of myself and another in a way that makes me a better person and makes me love myself and God more, then I'll consider creating a marital bond.

Yada Yada Yada

I had a long day today. I just want you to think about all these fathers who are killing their children. It's quite disturbing. Here there have been two fathers who have killed their children and in Florida a father pushed his three children off of a balcony on he and his wife's anniversary. What in the world is going on? What would make a father kill their own child? What warning signs did the mother see? Was she in denial about the father's mental state? I'm convinced that there are a lot of fathers that need to be in mandatory counseling. For more reference see Kirk Franklin's new album the track "Shout." He says "Take it serious the demon's in a man's mind." I'm definitely thinking about my children's father in a differen't light tonight. And I'm praying that He keep my children safe. Aight?

Confidence or Condemnation

I woke up this morning feeling great! Not for any particular reason, I just feel very comfortable in the skin I am in. I think that because of my relationship with Christ I know in my heart that everything work out for the good. I don't have a blueprint as to how it is going to work out but that's the point of walking in faith. The Bible says many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails. (Proverbs 19:21) So I'm not so much making plans for my future as I am trying to be the person today that He called me to be.

The signature on my email is Phillipians 1:8- the scripture reads:

"I thank God upon every remembrance of you, always in every prayer of mine making request for you all with joy, for your fellowship in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ."

This truly sums up how I feel and why in the midst of this storm, I am soaring. I have been in constant prayer about my situation, even when I have fallen, and because I told God I couldn't get healed and get through any of this without him I had to lean on Him. So when you didn't hear from me, I was going through- putting one foot in front of the other, falling but getting back up, knowing that my faith was in Jesus. It was really nothing that anyone could help me get through. The joy of the Lord has been my strength, so when I reach out to you now for support and love, it is with joy in my heart. The assurance that things are going to be okay comes from my confidence that the work that was begun in me as a little child will continue to be perfected until Jesus Christ's return.

What I'm trying to say is that those of you who do not yet believe in Jesus Christ as your personal savior may not understand what I have been through or how I have gone through the past year. However, if you could understand that I have been through so much as a child, abuse, molestation, rape, abandonment, and yet through it all I made good grades, stayed in school, and was able to get a full-ride to an ivy league college. God brought be through and I truly believed then that there was a strong calling on my life. Although I strayed from Christ in my late teens and early twenties, I found my way back after a miscarriage and separation in my marriage drove me to the brink of dispair. It was in the midnight hour, when no one else was around that I called on Jesus. Although I had practiced Islam, Buddhism, Santeria, Yoruba, Catholicism, and Hedonism, I found Jesus in my darkest hour.

Now that I am walking with Him, I understand more than ever that His grace and mercy are poured on us when we least deserve it. During the times when I was fufilling my flesh I was crying out to Him to deliver me and when I repented I was delivered. He knew we would sin and fall short and He died so we would not have to die because we sinned. In the old testament, when you were caught in adultery or fornication you were stoned to death on sight. But now we are able to ask for forgiveness and recieve forgiveness and be restored in our walk with Christ.

But there are consequences to our actions, so I expected something... Not twins but something. But I thank God that it was twins and not HIV or Aids. This consequence carries with it life and not death, and for that I am so grateful to God.

Once you become a Christian, you are not automatically made perfect and I think that's what many people, including myself assume. My Pastor says we are the "W.I.P." Works In Progress. So God is still working on us until the day that we die or the day that Jesus comes back. So, to all my unsaved friends and family I repent openly for my sins and the choices that I made that may now affect your decision to give your life to Christ. I am not perfect, but I was no more deserving of Christ's mercy before I sinned than I am now.

Romans 8:1 says "There is therefore no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made me free from the law of sin and death." Conviction is when you do wrong and you feel bad and feel the urgency to repent and change your ways. Condemnation is when you feel heaviness for your wrong but all you ever feel is wrong. It's the guilt you still feel about something you did when you were in elementary school. It's what other's try to make you feel about your actions when God has already forgiven you. It's when you refuse to forgive yourself.

So today, you either have confidence in something bigger than yourself. You believe that you are right where you are supposed to be. If it wasn't for getting fired, or moving, or getting divorced, you would not be where you are right now. I thank God for the trials and tribulations because they have made me more patient, more kind, more loving, more forgiving, more understanding. I am a much better person June 06 than I was June 05. This road you are on is leading you to the biggest revelation on Earth: Your purpose. So instead of beating yourself up for past mistakes, and carrying around regret; change what you can change and keep walking with your head held high. Keep your confidence in the fact that your life means something and it meant so much to Christ that He died on the cross just for you. Do not allow the condemnation of your own unforgiveness, or other people's inability to understand where you are to keep you bound. Be free and walk in your purpose. I love you deeply and hope you feel the love of Christ in my walk.

Training While on the Sidelines

I've been sidelined.

Prior to finding out I was pregnant I was studying and taking the Bar Exam in my pursuit of becoming a licensed attorney. I was also dancing in my churches dance group, "Chosen" and teaching Sunday School. I was being elevated because I had been faithful during the time when I was going through my separation and divorce. I never missed a Sunday or Bible Study, I fasted and prayed and lost almost 40 pounds in the process. I found myself and I was loving myself- my new free self. But something happened that sidelined me so now I'm still training while on the sidelines.

This blog was inspired by the many people who get "redshirted" or who get benched for the first few seasons (or years) of their professional athletic career. I was thinking in church last Sunday how hard it is to train when you know you are not actually going to play in the game. I always thought my life would be a lot different than it is right now. I'd be famous by the time I was 25 (and rich) with no responsibilities. I thought I'd be able to switch careers like clothes and pursue my many passions. But life didn't quite turn out the way I'd hoped. Like the athlete who spends time on the bench watching others play, I haven't quite found my groove. God was showing me, however, that although I'm on the sidelines I still have to train as though I'm going to start in the game this Saturday.

I filed for divorce on Wednesday, the second week in September. I'll never forget. I'd fasted for 30 days after I came home to find my husband had left and moved to Washington D.C. It was easy to fast since he was the cook in the family and I didn't even know where the cooking utensils were in the house. As I went full-time at my job at the law firm of Haynes and Haynes, the kids were left with my Grandmother to fend for themselves (which could explain my one daughters 15 pound weight gain in just a few months). They had endless days of Donatos Pizza and other fast or frozen process food. My work day was supposed to end at 5pm, but that rarely happened. The hours required to work in order to curry favor in the boss's eyes exceeded what I felt was healthy for a family of three children, one parent and an 84 year old caretaker.

My grandmother was a lifeline during these days. She helped me process what was going on and she kept the kids so I didn't have to worry about where they were while I was at work. I told people over and over again that my job was holding me together. If it wasn't for the income and the stability of my job I would have lost my mind. Becareful what you say. I walked into my job on October 17, 2005, the day after the new Bankruptcy law passed and found my box packed and waiting by the door. I was laid off. A blessing and a challenge! I could spend the time with my children that was so needed at this time in their lives but how would I pay the bills!??? I had enrolled my daughter in private school based on my income and now... Well, I qualified for unemployment and have been living on that until this month. Also, my daughter competed for and was the recipient of the only scholarship given in the whole school. By January, Kaissa was in private school, too. Thank God. We've had lean days, but believe it or not the kids' Christmas this year was the best ever. My former boss adopted my family and bought the kids more toys than I have ever bought them at Christmas. Talk about blessed. We have not gone without not one day.

While I'm on the sidelines, I've decided to train. My marriage may have ended in divorce, but there is someone out there for me, so I have to begin to prepare myself for that man. I ask myself constantly what could I have done to make the marriage work, what choices could I have made differently. I truly believe if you don't pass the test you will have to repeat the course. I kept taking jobs that I knew I was not equipt to do well, thinking that "this time it would be differen't." I will no longer do that even if I get a lucrative offer to be in a law firm. Although my legal knowledge will be used in some form in my life, I know deep down in my soul that writing is what I've been called to do. I have decide to develop my craft while on the sidelines. The most important thing I can do while on the sidelines is take care of myself so I can be an awesome mother. Being a mother is the single most important job I've ever had, so despite the fact that I was fired, let go, or quit my last three jobs, this job I will never be fired from and I won't quit. I have a duty to educate and help socialize my children into the adults they will become. I take that job seriously. So, while sidelined, the game goes on. And when it's my turn to put on my helmet and score the game winning touchdown, with God's grace, I'll be in the best shape of my life. I'm training now for the game that is to come.