Soaring Through the Storm

Soaring through the Storm... How profound the title of my blog. What that actually means became apparent this week through a conversation with a good friend. I've had this conundrum for a long time: whenever I committed myself to writing and publishing I felt like bad things would happen. Starting back in 2002 when I committed to writing and rapping- The next time I turned around- my daughter got diagnosed with epilepsy and shortly thereafter my marriage dissolved. I couldn't decide if it was my third eye opening and my inability to settle that precipitated my marital demise or was it that I love writing and performing so much that everything else got neglected. 

In 2008, fresh in a new marriage, I started writing and recording again. The next thing I knew- on the eve of publishing my first book: Love Letters, my second marriage started to fall apart. Then right after my album release- I fell ill and was hospitalized for 11 days... I have not tried to write, publish or record since. 

I worked establishing myself in these years. My husband and I reconciled and are working on building a long life together. I got the first two children out of the house and I am enjoying a friendship with my oldest daughter. I have a job and career that I love that utilizes my talents and gifts and I work with a supportive, loving team of women that is changing our community one women at a time. 

So... Moving forward...I've been stuck. I want to write and publish but I do not want things to fall apart again. I told my friend I wanted my home life to be stable before I wrote and published again. I told her that I didn't want to be like all of the ministers I grew up who were serving members in the church but their homelife was in shambles. I did not want to be like that! My friend urged me to pray and read several Psalms. It was during prayer, as I cried out to God about the situation I am currently going through that I heard so clearly that the answer is not in writing or not writing...or going through or not going through. The answer is in being transparent despite what I am going through. David in Psalms was transparent. He didn't ever have a private life that was stable or normal. His daughter was raped by her brother; his son tried to kill him and one brother killed another... What turmoil, what strife! But the answer for him was in crying out to the Lord and writing through his struggle- creating some of the most beautiful sonnets in history. Psalm 23 is so beautiful but it depicts agony... Walking through the Valley of the Shadow of Death...juxtaposed with green pastures... Amazing imagery. David was not ashamed because he cried out to the Lord and knew God was hearing him. So I will do the same... Be transparent and write, while I'm soaring through the storm. 

The STORM

So my people have been going through a storm recently. Collectively and individually it has been rough. I have been thinking of what I can say that hasn't already been said. For a while I was numb, I didn't know what to say. I was doing my best just staying engaged at my job, keeping my kids safe and surviving. But then I decided that I wanted to grieve #AltonSterling #PhilandoCastille and still have some joy. I thought about all the greatness that has been a part of my people's struggle and I smiled. I thought about the times my ancestors faced death and triumphed. I thought of the times we broke barriers by traveling, being educated, having babies, staying married, walking away from abusive marriages, choosing love and being courageous. I have chosen to be grateful for the beauty in the ashes. It takes a lot of heat and pressure to make a diamond and what I see coming from my community is pure gold. I love the embraces, smiles, fists, taps to the heart, all because of what we are going through. I've even felt closer with the majority culture that I've encountered who look at me with sympathetic eyes. #Venus #Serena #GabbyDouglas #SimoneBiles #LaurieHernandez all triumphing during one of the most difficult times in recent US history. We are all in this together and we either soar together or perish together. 

So what am I saying? How do we get through these difficult times? Focus on gratitude. Appreciating the situation that we are in and those who are walking with you everyday helps keep you grounded. No matter what situation you find yourself in there is SOMETHING to be grateful for even if it's just the air in your lungs. Every area of your life, someone else would love to trade places with you. Even if you are homeless and in the shelter, there are people on the waiting list to get in the shelter. In every situation there is something to be grateful for... Find the jewel amidst the pressure. Express your joy and gratitude to those around you. Your kids, spouse, partner, parents, grandparents, sister-friends, Pastor, Rabbi, spiritual advisor... Take this week to say thank you so much for riding with me, for having my back, for celebrating with me, for loving me through my ups and downs. And to you, the reader, you are so important to me. Without me there is no you. I love and appreciate you. We can get through this because like Hillary and Bernie say- we are stronger together. Let's make a difference!