Staying the Course

I've always been great at starting things. Someone once even called me a "fire starter." But staying the course is more difficult for me. I tend to get bored easily and lose momentum in just days. My new way of life is no different. I started off like a beast this week in qvr (quick visible results) with my trainer, doing two a days Monday and Tuesday, now on Saturday, I feel like I can barely get off the couch! Nevertheless, I am sticking to my eating and exercise plan and it feels good. 

The best thing I could have done was to create one sheet where I put all my workouts for the week and my meal plan. This has been my go-to document all week. When in doubt, I pull out the sheet. It has kept me grounded and safe when temptation came my way. I also planned in my favorite meal at the movie theatre- pizza and popcorn. I feel so in control and so empowered. But I still don't feel like getting off the couch today!

There is something else that keeps us grounded- prayer and time in the Word. It is the way we can stay grounded and look for ways to make good decision. It is a light unto our feet, a lamp unto our paths. There are so many resources that can be utilized if we just look for them. Workouts on youtube, trainers that will help for discounted prices, Body by Todd training deals on Groupon. We just have to open ourselves up. There is an old saying that goes, "When the student is ready, the teacher will come." So I am ready to change my life. This week was difficult, there was a lot of emotional issues that came up this week that tempted me to emotional eat. My Grandfather passed, my son started expressing his dissatisfaction with life, marital issues, etc. But I stayed the course- turned down Carmen's Cupcakes on Thursday and kept with my meal plan all week, even when I had to substitute meals. Knowing that I will have to weigh in has really helped to keep me on task but the trainer told us not to worry if we gain or fail to lose weight this week because we may retain water due to muscle soreness. So I'm going to continue to do my best and be loving and forgiving to myself. And guess what, I'm going to sit on this couch and enjoy the All Star Game, I got my 60 minutes of Cardio in and I'm chillin!!!!!!!

Goodbye Grandpa

Your Grandparents are 1/4 of who you are. So I found out tonight that I lost my Paternal Grandfather. A man known as RV- Richmond, Virginia. He was tall, dark, and nothing at all like I'd pictured him when I finally met him at the house before my baby sister's funeral. He wore a tupee, had big bulging eyes and was a man of few words. Even today, I can see the five or six times I saw him but I cannot recall his voice or his hug or his smile- although I do believe he smiled at me. 

I am his oldest living grandchild and I should have gone to see him. Just tonight I told my Maternal Grandma that I was going to see him- that I hoped he didn't die before I got to see him- like what happened with my grandma (Price). But less than three hours later a call from my Dad confirmed that it had happened again. And now 2/4 of who I am were gone- leaving me with more questions than answers- holes where memories and unconditional love should reside. 

I met him for the first time at the funeral- my little sister had died of complications of Downs Syndrome. 

Then there was the time my aunt took me over his house shortly after I'd had Kalia- behind my Dad's back. 

I saw him once in the hospital when the prognosis looked grim. He was laying there so helpless- nothing like the mean and surly abuser I'd heard stories about growing up. 

And then the last time I saw him- at my Grandmother's funeral in 2008- he looked like the more diminuitive version of himself. His eyes held me tenderly across the table, saying what his mouth and embrace never could say. It was his resemblance to my Dad that caused me to recognize him that day. And I proudly introduced my children to him saying- "That's your Great-Grandpa." They looked at me blankly and I knew the words were as devoid of meaning to them as they were to me. 

Now he's gone. And with him go all the dreams I had of having a big, fat, jolly Santa Claus Grandpa who would buy me ice cream and rub my knee when I fell. The truth is, I have failed him as much as he failed me. Perhaps he dreamed of his Granddaughter, The Lawyer, coming to reconcile things before he passed. But that day never came. And now I must live with, and make peace with that fact. RIP RV Price

It's Happening Again...

I remember in Elementary School- a good day at school meant a bad day at home, a good day at home meant a bad day at school. A great day at church meant hell to pay on Monday. The more good I did, the more pain I felt. Now I'm trying to write- not for myself but so that others will benefit. And the better I write the more I seem to go through. I wrote about this some in my first blog of the new year. This may be the Secret at work. I expect something bad to follow after something good so it happens. I don't want to normalize this pattern but I also want to stop getting thrown off track. What do I do?

Feeling Good

Things are going well this new year. I know these changes are permanent. I know something greater is on the way. I am praising God in advance for all things. I love my husband and I know that he is the one for me. I am committed to him in all ways. I look forward to growing old with him. My kids are wonderful and I love them so much. My oldest daughter has taught me a lot about life and unconditional love. My second daughter has taught me about trusting kids to mature and grow. My oldest son has taught me there is genius in us all. The twins taught me to believe in miracles. And Benjamin taught me to believe in my dreams. He was the baby I dreamed of having with the man of my dreams who had no kids. I have lived a very full life and expect more in the future. Kids were never part of the plan but I'm so glad they came. My life would be so different without them. 

There are things I want to change but I believe I have the tools now. I feel I have made the most progress with finances. Even though I still struggle with day-to-day I have a lot of what I need to survive and thrive. I spend my money on my needs- I don't have things snowballing out of control financially like I did for many years. My husband reminds me all the time that I am raising six little ones with these limited means and that I need to be proud of myself for that. It was easier when I was getting child support from the absentee fathers. Money could never replace their presence but it helped. Now that there is no more child support, it's a struggle. But the tools are here. I am excited about using 10% of my income for short-term saving, tithing 10% and using 10% as spending money that I don't have to account for. I got this from a book called "Debt-proof Your Marriage" and I followed the principals one year and was able to amass a nice little savings in a short time. Tithing is a principal that works for me- giving 10% of your income to God. And who wants to work hard everyday and not have money I for treats like the movies and their favorite coffee? So today was my first day and I"m excited and I'm not ashamed to tell you that my account was in the negative when I deposited my check. And that this was my last time being in the negative. Like the Old School Rap song says, "It ain't where you from/it's where you at." So this year I am in control of my finances and moving forward!

 

 

New Years Theme

I sense a theme here, every new year I get inspired to write...Then life happens and I don't keep up with the blog. What's really going on? Well, for one, I've always done better at writing when I'm miserable and going through, however, lately, I've not wanted to be transparent because I know the power of words. After I read the Secret, I wondered what I was putting out in the universe and how it was coming back to me. I went through times of feeling like I was jinxing myself by discussing certain things. So many things last year were still up in the air, in my life, in my head, in my heart. But now I feel a bit more settled and a bit more sure of myself. I know that writing is one of my dreams, and I'm committed to seeing it through no matter how painful or difficult it may be to see myself reflected in my writings. I love my last blog from January 2012- I know that I am going somewhere, that there will be ups and downs but I'm confident in the person that I am and the life that I'm choosing to live. I am married and committed to my marriage. I am still a mother and love my children with all my heart. My husband and I have had our own baby which has colored our relationship and deepened our dedication to each other. His name is Benji and he is a one-of-a-kind. My job is wonderful. The organization I work for: Moms2B (www.moms2bohio.com) is one of those rare gems that is working to transform people's lives. They are able to use my skill set while being open and developing and it's a great place for me to grow professionally as well as personally. I love my friends so much. I have ride or die friends that are there for everything. I've also lost some friends very close to me because of their opinion about how I handle certain things in my life. I've visited Israel twice and love it! I can definitely see myself living there one day. I love my in-laws- they are so special. I am truly blessed to live this unorthodox life that keeps me close to God's love and mercy every day.

Blogging is therapeutic but also scary, because I can go back and read my entries and remember exactly how I was feeling, what I was thinking and something it's different than the stories I've had to create to move on, or to be strong. But that's okay. All of these things written here are here for a reason. And to go back and read and recognize my strengths as well as my weaknesses can only make me a better writer and a better person in the long run. I invite people to look into my life, not as spectators, but as concerned observers, who may learn something about themselves by looking into my life. My fears are your fears and my triumphs are your triumphs and my unanswered questions are there for us both to analyze and look for answers. I am very comfortable in my skin, and invite you to take off your masks, take off your roles and evaluate who you are underneath all of that. And when you find that person, love (him) her fiercely (in the words of Ntozake Shange).

I am still soaring through the storm, enjoying the rain as well as the sunlight when it appears. The joy is that I am soaring, that it ain't hard being me. My smiles come easily as do my hugs. I am working on my anger and my weight and my impulsiveness. But I love all of me and I invite those close to me to love me too! But more importantly, I invite you to love yourselves unapologetically!