Staying the Course

I've always been great at starting things. Someone once even called me a "fire starter." But staying the course is more difficult for me. I tend to get bored easily and lose momentum in just days. My new way of life is no different. I started off like a beast this week in qvr (quick visible results) with my trainer, doing two a days Monday and Tuesday, now on Saturday, I feel like I can barely get off the couch! Nevertheless, I am sticking to my eating and exercise plan and it feels good. 

The best thing I could have done was to create one sheet where I put all my workouts for the week and my meal plan. This has been my go-to document all week. When in doubt, I pull out the sheet. It has kept me grounded and safe when temptation came my way. I also planned in my favorite meal at the movie theatre- pizza and popcorn. I feel so in control and so empowered. But I still don't feel like getting off the couch today!

There is something else that keeps us grounded- prayer and time in the Word. It is the way we can stay grounded and look for ways to make good decision. It is a light unto our feet, a lamp unto our paths. There are so many resources that can be utilized if we just look for them. Workouts on youtube, trainers that will help for discounted prices, Body by Todd training deals on Groupon. We just have to open ourselves up. There is an old saying that goes, "When the student is ready, the teacher will come." So I am ready to change my life. This week was difficult, there was a lot of emotional issues that came up this week that tempted me to emotional eat. My Grandfather passed, my son started expressing his dissatisfaction with life, marital issues, etc. But I stayed the course- turned down Carmen's Cupcakes on Thursday and kept with my meal plan all week, even when I had to substitute meals. Knowing that I will have to weigh in has really helped to keep me on task but the trainer told us not to worry if we gain or fail to lose weight this week because we may retain water due to muscle soreness. So I'm going to continue to do my best and be loving and forgiving to myself. And guess what, I'm going to sit on this couch and enjoy the All Star Game, I got my 60 minutes of Cardio in and I'm chillin!!!!!!!

Goodbye Grandpa

Your Grandparents are 1/4 of who you are. So I found out tonight that I lost my Paternal Grandfather. A man known as RV- Richmond, Virginia. He was tall, dark, and nothing at all like I'd pictured him when I finally met him at the house before my baby sister's funeral. He wore a tupee, had big bulging eyes and was a man of few words. Even today, I can see the five or six times I saw him but I cannot recall his voice or his hug or his smile- although I do believe he smiled at me. 

I am his oldest living grandchild and I should have gone to see him. Just tonight I told my Maternal Grandma that I was going to see him- that I hoped he didn't die before I got to see him- like what happened with my grandma (Price). But less than three hours later a call from my Dad confirmed that it had happened again. And now 2/4 of who I am were gone- leaving me with more questions than answers- holes where memories and unconditional love should reside. 

I met him for the first time at the funeral- my little sister had died of complications of Downs Syndrome. 

Then there was the time my aunt took me over his house shortly after I'd had Kalia- behind my Dad's back. 

I saw him once in the hospital when the prognosis looked grim. He was laying there so helpless- nothing like the mean and surly abuser I'd heard stories about growing up. 

And then the last time I saw him- at my Grandmother's funeral in 2008- he looked like the more diminuitive version of himself. His eyes held me tenderly across the table, saying what his mouth and embrace never could say. It was his resemblance to my Dad that caused me to recognize him that day. And I proudly introduced my children to him saying- "That's your Great-Grandpa." They looked at me blankly and I knew the words were as devoid of meaning to them as they were to me. 

Now he's gone. And with him go all the dreams I had of having a big, fat, jolly Santa Claus Grandpa who would buy me ice cream and rub my knee when I fell. The truth is, I have failed him as much as he failed me. Perhaps he dreamed of his Granddaughter, The Lawyer, coming to reconcile things before he passed. But that day never came. And now I must live with, and make peace with that fact. RIP RV Price

It's Happening Again...

I remember in Elementary School- a good day at school meant a bad day at home, a good day at home meant a bad day at school. A great day at church meant hell to pay on Monday. The more good I did, the more pain I felt. Now I'm trying to write- not for myself but so that others will benefit. And the better I write the more I seem to go through. I wrote about this some in my first blog of the new year. This may be the Secret at work. I expect something bad to follow after something good so it happens. I don't want to normalize this pattern but I also want to stop getting thrown off track. What do I do?

Feeling Good

Things are going well this new year. I know these changes are permanent. I know something greater is on the way. I am praising God in advance for all things. I love my husband and I know that he is the one for me. I am committed to him in all ways. I look forward to growing old with him. My kids are wonderful and I love them so much. My oldest daughter has taught me a lot about life and unconditional love. My second daughter has taught me about trusting kids to mature and grow. My oldest son has taught me there is genius in us all. The twins taught me to believe in miracles. And Benjamin taught me to believe in my dreams. He was the baby I dreamed of having with the man of my dreams who had no kids. I have lived a very full life and expect more in the future. Kids were never part of the plan but I'm so glad they came. My life would be so different without them. 

There are things I want to change but I believe I have the tools now. I feel I have made the most progress with finances. Even though I still struggle with day-to-day I have a lot of what I need to survive and thrive. I spend my money on my needs- I don't have things snowballing out of control financially like I did for many years. My husband reminds me all the time that I am raising six little ones with these limited means and that I need to be proud of myself for that. It was easier when I was getting child support from the absentee fathers. Money could never replace their presence but it helped. Now that there is no more child support, it's a struggle. But the tools are here. I am excited about using 10% of my income for short-term saving, tithing 10% and using 10% as spending money that I don't have to account for. I got this from a book called "Debt-proof Your Marriage" and I followed the principals one year and was able to amass a nice little savings in a short time. Tithing is a principal that works for me- giving 10% of your income to God. And who wants to work hard everyday and not have money I for treats like the movies and their favorite coffee? So today was my first day and I"m excited and I'm not ashamed to tell you that my account was in the negative when I deposited my check. And that this was my last time being in the negative. Like the Old School Rap song says, "It ain't where you from/it's where you at." So this year I am in control of my finances and moving forward!

 

 

New Years Theme

I sense a theme here, every new year I get inspired to write...Then life happens and I don't keep up with the blog. What's really going on? Well, for one, I've always done better at writing when I'm miserable and going through, however, lately, I've not wanted to be transparent because I know the power of words. After I read the Secret, I wondered what I was putting out in the universe and how it was coming back to me. I went through times of feeling like I was jinxing myself by discussing certain things. So many things last year were still up in the air, in my life, in my head, in my heart. But now I feel a bit more settled and a bit more sure of myself. I know that writing is one of my dreams, and I'm committed to seeing it through no matter how painful or difficult it may be to see myself reflected in my writings. I love my last blog from January 2012- I know that I am going somewhere, that there will be ups and downs but I'm confident in the person that I am and the life that I'm choosing to live. I am married and committed to my marriage. I am still a mother and love my children with all my heart. My husband and I have had our own baby which has colored our relationship and deepened our dedication to each other. His name is Benji and he is a one-of-a-kind. My job is wonderful. The organization I work for: Moms2B (www.moms2bohio.com) is one of those rare gems that is working to transform people's lives. They are able to use my skill set while being open and developing and it's a great place for me to grow professionally as well as personally. I love my friends so much. I have ride or die friends that are there for everything. I've also lost some friends very close to me because of their opinion about how I handle certain things in my life. I've visited Israel twice and love it! I can definitely see myself living there one day. I love my in-laws- they are so special. I am truly blessed to live this unorthodox life that keeps me close to God's love and mercy every day.

Blogging is therapeutic but also scary, because I can go back and read my entries and remember exactly how I was feeling, what I was thinking and something it's different than the stories I've had to create to move on, or to be strong. But that's okay. All of these things written here are here for a reason. And to go back and read and recognize my strengths as well as my weaknesses can only make me a better writer and a better person in the long run. I invite people to look into my life, not as spectators, but as concerned observers, who may learn something about themselves by looking into my life. My fears are your fears and my triumphs are your triumphs and my unanswered questions are there for us both to analyze and look for answers. I am very comfortable in my skin, and invite you to take off your masks, take off your roles and evaluate who you are underneath all of that. And when you find that person, love (him) her fiercely (in the words of Ntozake Shange).

I am still soaring through the storm, enjoying the rain as well as the sunlight when it appears. The joy is that I am soaring, that it ain't hard being me. My smiles come easily as do my hugs. I am working on my anger and my weight and my impulsiveness. But I love all of me and I invite those close to me to love me too! But more importantly, I invite you to love yourselves unapologetically!

Another New Year

My last post was exactly a year ago. I was so confused, things were so foggy. Where was I going to live? Where was I going to work? How was I going to get over not passing my Master's Thesis? What about my marriage? I did a lot of hard work this year and it paid off. I applied to be a Professor at Columbus State in the Paralegal Department, frankly because that was the only place I could teach without a Master's Degree. And guess what? In August I started as an Adjunct Professor at Columbus State! #Winning. Also, I went back to my first love: working with moms and babies in my community. I started at Columbus Public Health Department at a group I used to work at: Caring for 2. That led me to my current position as Community Advocate or something at Moms 2 B- a position I love.

In April, I moved into a beautiful home where my kids can play in the back yard and ride bikes around the neighborhood. I have an organic garden in my back yard. I love it. And my kids are at great schools. My husband and I have weathered some tough storms together are we are still committed to one another. My life is not perfect and I am not where I want to be, but I'm very, very appreciative of where I am.

I am detailing my struggles with weight loss on my other blog slimnique.blogspot.com. I am currently doing the Love Dare on my husband. Lots of great stuff happening around here. Lots of healing and wholeness and happiness. And lots of appreciation, for my parents, my grandparents and my children.

Starting Place

It's been over a year since I've written. Had a ton of thoughts since then, but I just haven't been able to put words to paper. Today is that day. It's a new year, the start of a new decade and I've got a lot on my mind today. I feel so overwhelmed, by love and justice and determination. But all around me is chaos and lack of direction. Life feels so complicated and it's hard to find our way through. Today I have to take some time a get some perspective. 2011 just sort of thrust itself upon me. I was busy writing a thesis that did not pass and didn't have time to enjoy the holidays and ponder the advent of another year. Today my focus is on clarity. Not necessarily looking into the future and having a road map of what's coming next, but clarity about the role I play in my own destiny. Will I be able to say, at the end of the day, that I did all that was necessary to achieve my purpose? That is what I am pondering for today. I will update what comes from this focus in the next few days. Think about with me what you were put on this earth to do and what is keeping you from that? What are you willing to do or sacrifice to make your dreams come true?

Carpe Diem

There comes a point where enough is enough. A point where you get tired of seeing other people do what you only think and dream about doing. There comes a point where you can taste success, you can taste your future, your destiny and you feel a burning in your veins to go for it. This is the point where I am today. Some people call it the point where the rubber meets the road. For years I have struggled with poor physical health (obesity), poor financial health (poverty), and poor sexual health (promiscuity). It is time to take control. I was able to become abstinent while I was pregnant with my twins and for a couple years after they were born, primarily because I was “scared straight” or scared stiff. I had become pregnant with them after being with their father one night- twins, born at 27 weeks, 2.3 pounds, in the hospital for nine weeks, alone. That was enough to halt my sexual appetite for quite a while. The next man I was with was my husband.

However, during the time I was abstinent, my weight ballooned out of control. I am usually 230 a 18/20 but I got up to an all-time high of 260- size 24!!! A place I never want to be again. My neck was fat, my rolls had rolls but I felt happy. I ate whatever I wanted whenever I wanted and used breastfeeding as my excuse. What I didn’t know what that I was eating to mask the feelings I was having about my discontent with myself and the discontent with my situation. That was 2006.

Between then and now I have shed lots of tears and pounds too. I struggle with my love for my (now ex) husband with the seriousness of my role as a mother. I deny myself to get stronger and indulge myself to reward. I love food but I am slowly letting go of my emotional need to eat. It is scary and empowering all at once. I am weigh 220 and wear 14/16.

The hardest days are behind me and slightly in front of me. I still turn to pizza when I’m emotional but I don’t eat a large pie by myself. I am fasting for my emotional, physical and spiritual well being and learning to say no, set boundaries, soar higher.

Because I’ve been able to accomplish so much in my brokenness, a lot of people didn’t see I was broken. But my failed romantic relationships and the pain I’ve caused people because of my anger were signed that all was not well. As I peel back the onion to my pain, the smell is strong, and the desire to run back to my old ways is tempting. But I know that there is Glory and strength and a sense of accomplishment on the other side of this hard work.

So, I exercise, I pray, meditate, do yoga, fast, deny my body, turn down sex, hang up the phone when I feel the conversation leaves my comfort zone, I say no, leave when I want to, get plenty of sleep, stop trying to do it all. I am human, and my body needs to be nurtured. I say “I love you, you are worthy, you are worth the work and the wait.” So when I feel weak, I allow myself to feel weak, I cry into my pillow and even call my ex-husband when I want to hear his voice because I miss him. I discipline my kids in love without feeling guilty and I set healthy boundaries based on my parenting standards, not the worlds. I am okay and I’m getting better everyday. I’m gaining control. And you ain’t seen nothing yet!

Parenting 101

The Lord is removing the last of the bitterness from my heart. For some reason in the past few weeks, I have had bitterness directed towards my children. For as long as I have been a mother, my children have been the most precious, enduring gift that I have ever encountered. They are as Lauryn Hill says, “The Sweetest Thing I’ve ever known…” But sometime in the last few weeks, I began to feel what many people have said for so long. I’ve begun to look at alternate paths my life could have taken without children. I’ve begun to value other views of success besides the one I currently hold.

The backdrop to this is that conflicts over the children precipitated my last divorce. The issues with the children weren’t the only issue, but they were the insurmountable issue. I felt that I had to be a full-time mother to all three children- period. On the other hand, my ex-husband felt that I should be able to divvy up time between him and the children with very little overlap, even in our home. Needless to say, being all things to all people but nothing to myself led to burn out, anger, and I suppose the seeds to this resentment that had just began to surface in the past few weeks.

What took the issue over the edge was one day when I asked the kids to make sure the house was clean. They were staying home while I was going to work and I came home Tuesday to find the house a mess. The kids were in their room, chillin’, watching TV like they were at Club Med. I was too tired and emotionally exhausted to say anything so I just cleaned up everything. I asked them the next day to make sure they cleaned up after themselves while I was at work and even called when I was on my way home and asked if everything was cleaned up. Imagine my utter surprise when I walked in the house and it was the same scene from the day before! I lost it. Something in my changed. I felt like the kids didn’t respect me and took my feelings and emotions for granted. A wall went up where I shut down some part of me that had always been connected. It was a “me” and “them” feeling. I was so hurt and angry. And their response was to go on like nothing happened afterwards, while I couldn’t have any healthy interactions with them for two or three days.

Finally after spending some time with my friend Ebony, Kalia came home and wrote me an apology letter. Kaissa never did apologize although she mentioned that she wrote me a poem but lost it before she could give it to me. I still kept the wall up until a few nights ago, when talking to my twin sister-in-laws, Aminah and Nzingha, I realized that I was still their mother, and that I had to still fight and struggle for the goodness that I know is within them. I have to hold on to the belief that this too shall pass and that they will acquire the skills necessary to clean up after themselves. What is so frustrating is that literally everyday my son leaves his dirty clothes in the bathroom after taking his nightly shower, my 2^nd daughter leaves her shoes in the middle of the floor when she gets home and my oldest daughter has a pile of dirty clothes on the floor next to her bed. Daily. And I’m exhausted.

So, now I’m trying something new. I’m not sure what it is yet. After talking to Aminah and Nzingha I felt myself reconnecting with the kids yesterday. It doesn't take long to disconnect but it seems like it's such an effort to reconnect. How many people live with kids or spouses that it seems like are on a totally different wave length? How many people eat separately, pray separately, watch TV together but don't even have a conversation during the evening? Reconnecting is a process, but Aminah implored me to pray and ask God to show me how to get the kids to clean up after themselves. Funny, because I taught Vacation Bible School last week and I told the young people that God made us and he also made a manual, and if we ever had questions in terms of dealing with those things God made, we should consult the manual, and if we don’t find the answers, we should consult the maker. And someone else had to remind me of what I had said. So Lord, I’m asking you to continue to guide me in terms of raising my five children in the fear and admonition of you. Help me to make the right decisions, to be a good mother and provider and to walk uprightly before my children. Forgive me of my sins, especially for not forgiving them when they make mistakes. Teach me how to discipline them so they will be responsible for their clothes and room and shared spaces. Put in them the desire to be obedient not only to me but ultimately to you. And help me to teach them your ways and your will so they will write your words on the tablets of their hearts. In Jesus Name, Amen.

The Storm After the Calm

So, it’s over. The book/CD release celebration is over. Beside the technical difficulties which definitely impacted the enjoyment factor of the event for me-everything else was butter. My presentation came together nicely, the books and CDs were completed timely and the flow was on point. My dreams truly came true on Sunday. All my children were there to enjoy the event and the twins were very well behaved I must say. I was in the dressing room at Ashley Stewart trying on all kinds of stuff (in size 14 I might add!) but in the end, my stylists: Verlene Wright, Shawntay Beckford, and Lakisha Hardin got me outfitted just right. Tre’Vera Anderson and Von Woods got my makeup together with the Asian theme I wanted and I allowed God to use this broken vessel for his glory. The highlight for me was doing “Give ‘em Glory” with LX, Halle, and Nigh. It was an afternoon to remember.

So, Monday. It’s like coming down off a high. Things look different to you and you know you have experienced something great but you have to get back to real life. It comes at your fast and it hits hard. A couple conversations with some male “friends” quickly took me off my high the night of the event and left me with more questions than answers. Can men and women be friends first of all? Especially after they have been intimate…What is the point of the friendship and what about the secret/silent expectations that linger around the interactions. I don’t know but I’m taking a break from talking to any ex-men until I can figure this one out. Last night I had a dream about my first ex-husband it was titillating. I hate when your dreams force you to deal with the physical desire to be intimate when that’s all you try not to think about. OK, it all started yesterday after class when I was driving home and seen this young, dark, hot man jogging down the street with no shirt off. I had to plead the blood to get my mind back from where it went. And Abdur used to have pecs and abs like that so… You get the point. My dream got me off track for a minute. And I am even more determined not to get tangled up in where my hormones and emotions want to go as far as men are concerned.

I am in control: of my weight (what I choose to eat), my emotions, my actions and my finances. This will be my mantra for the next few days. I don’t have to be out of control, or act on my out of control impulses. I can hold on and keep the victory. Ya heard?!

175 vs. 230/1995 vs. 2009/Then and Now

Think of the time when you were at a weight you were happy with then answer the following questions: (Mine was 1995 before I got pregnant with Kalia when I was at Vassar living in Main Building with Dayhna Carroll)

What foods did you eat then that you no longer eat?

Salads daily

Vegetables daily

No meat

Drink only water

What foods did you eat in abundance?

None- everything was in moderation. If I wanted something like cookies or cake- I’d take a piece, but my palate had changed so much that sweets tasted way too sweet. I couldn’t stomach pop or cake and cookies so it was easy to pass them up. Bad foods made me feel sick immediately after eating them so I didn’t even have a craving anymore.

Three physical activities

Running across campus for no reason (usually just to meet Dayhna after she got out of class)

Jane Fonda Aerobic tape- this thing is so 80s but foreal it’s a lot like dancing so I would just put it on when I was bored after class in the middle of the day and work up a sweat.

Dancing in the mug till all hours of the night! Nuff said…

Three hobbies you enjoy

Socializing with my friends

Dancing

Rapping/Writing rhymes

People places ore things that stress you out

Men

Classroom

Advisors

Where do you get most of your support

Dayhna- she would literally walk up to me and take the cheetos out of my hand, she would pour the soda down the drain. She told me I could do it- that there was a smaller person inside my body waiting to get out. She didn’t let my anger, temper tantrums or pouting keep her from encouraging me to do what was ultimately right for my body. (sans ganja smoke- that was ok, LOL)

How do you regard your physical appearance?

The weird thing about losing so much weight in such a short period of time was that I didn’t recognize myself. I would catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and always be like “who’s that?” I felt alienated from myself in a weird way.

How important is your health?

Well, I was doing other things at the time that were not healthy, so I wasn’t totally caring for my body. And I think my weight loss was more motivated by wanting to be a big time rapper and feeling like I needed to look a certain way. I wasn’t yet thinking about health because my mother’s health problems hadn’t surfaced. All the overweight people in my family up until this time were healthy!

Level of motivation

I had no (real) man, no kids, just school and friends, so there was much more time on my hands then there is now. Also I didn’t have to worry about paying bills (the good old days). But I also had to eat in the retreat or ACDC so my healthy food options were limited.

NOW

What foods did you eat then that you no longer eat?

Meat

Snacks

Pop

Juice

What foods did you eat in abundance?

I eat a lot of carbs in abundance. Like the pack of cinnamon graham crackers I ate the whole pack of…Or the entire bag of microwave popcorn…Or too many pretzels…A few weeks ago when my eating was really out of control I was eating candy bars from the snack machine and pop too a lot. I also started eating ice cream- I don’t even really like ice cream, but the chocolate chip cookie dough with the sugar cone from Clown Cone was the bomb!

Three physical activities

None

Three hobbies you enjoy

Socializing with my friends

Writing

Facebooking

People places ore things that stress you out

Men

Kids who don’t clean up after themselves

Flaky people

Where do you get most of your support

My kids- they are really sensitive to my struggles and are working on themselves in their own ways. I see their responses to my eating ups and downs and it makes me more aware of the long term impact of my bad eating choices.

Facebook: Yolanda Sabio, Toya Lilliard, Nakea Hughes, Andrea Roberts, Kyla Kupferstein Torres, Yolanda Ramos-shot out to my used to be big girls now small(er) girls!

How do you regard your physical appearance?

230 is like my “normal” weight. I feel comfortable at this weight though not the most attractive. I feel a man would have to know me first to be attracted to me physically but that’s safer for me then a man being attracted to my body first because that makes me feel vulnerable.

How important is your health?

The main reason I am losing weight. I don’t do needles so I can’t get diabetes. The only way to prevent diabetes is through diet and exercise- nuff said.

Level of motivation

High, even though I am still under serious time constraints. I may have to (aaaarrrg) start waking up at like 6:30 am just to get my work out in. If I can wind down and get to sleep by 11pm I should be able to do that. But I’m a night owl! So- that’s my hang up right now on exercise. I could also walk around the park while the kids are at football/cheerleading practice… no excuses it’s got to get done.

Dr. Ian Day 2

What is your current BMI?

40

What does the chart say is healthy weight for your height?

135-140

What are your bad habits when it comes to exercising/eating right?

Not exercising at all.

Not planning my meals ahead of time.

Eating too many carbs.

Not eating vegetables or fruit.

Not drinking enough water each day.

Not eating breakfast.

Not encouraging my kids to do the same things stated above.

What are your good bad habits when it comes to exercising/eating right?

Umm….

Not eating late at night.

Not buying things that are really bad for me like Ice Cream and junk food.

Buying organic.

Shopping at Trader Joes.

Shopping frequently so that food is always fresh.

When was the last time you were at a weight you were happy with?

1994-1997 before I was pregnant with my second daughter. When I was pregnant with Kaissa I got over 200 pounds and have never been under that since. I did get down to 204 before I got pregnant with the twins but that’s the closest (2005). So when I lost weight it took about 8 months, I worked hard all summer thanks to my roommate Dayhna who would literally take cheetos out of my hands and never let me eat pizza (two of my big comfort foods). She had never struggled with weight so she bid me to do as she did and it worked. By the fall, I was so small people thought I was sick. I was in a size 11 but I looked much smaller. My bra size was 36 C which was perfect. There were no dimples, dents, rolls, it was amazing. Also, I loved doing Jane Fonda workout tapes and I would run across campus just for the fun of it! (I did have a slight substance abuse problem at this time, but that’s for another blog) LOL

4 Day Diet- Day One

Dr. Ian's new book "The 4 Day Diet" is off the chains. It deals with the emotional aspect of being overweight. He says losing weight is 80% mental and 20% physical. I am going to work through the questions in the book. Join me and write and post your answers (or keep them to yourself). Let's work this weight off on paper and then enjoy the results on our hips and thighs! What's up people?

Why are you currently overweight?

I am overweight because I was raised that food was a panacea. Whenever there was drama at home (and there was lots of drama at home) there was always something to eat to make it feel better. I was offered ice cream after I scraped my knee, McDonald’s after a hard day, Pizza if I got good grades. So I learned that food was attached to feelings, that there was an emotional component to eating. How I’m thinking of it now after reading Dr. Ian Smith’s 4 Day Diet is that food is fuel- there’s nothing emotional about putting gas in a car! Eating should be just eating.

Why have previous weight-loss efforts failed?

Previous weight loss efforts have failed because I want fast weight loss. It is hard to work hard for anything is this society. Me being part of Generation X, which is also the microwave generation is like if I can’t have it with the snap of my finger, I’m just going to keep it moving. I see this in my relationships and my finances and my weight. I have not learned the patience to stick with something even when it doesn’t seem to be giving me the desired results. One example is that I started dieting and exercising in January. By the time I got to April, I was still the same weight, so I partially gave up. What my nutritionist showed me this Monday is that my sugar levels went from 102 to 84 and my cholesterol improved as well, so although I may not have seen the results of my work on the scale, my overall health was improving. If I had stuck with it, weight loss may have come eventually.

How does your weight influence your self-esteem/self-image?

Well, now that I’m single again I definitely think about what Tyrese will think of my body when he meets me. Seriously, I know I’m an attractive woman, but with those chisled abs and biceps what will he think about my grandma arms. Maybe he will want a woman who words just as hard at keeping in shape as he does. He said something in an article in Men’s Health (not that I’m stalking him or anything)- he said “…when you are in shape, you don’t have to tell people that you love yourself.” That’s powerful. And how can you love anyone when you don’t love yourself? And How can you expect someone to love you more than you love yourself. So that’s where I am with the self-esteem thing, I love being plus sized, but the dents, dimples, and flab have got to go!

What are your weaknesses related to sticking to a weight-loss program?

Refer to microwave generation answer above. Planning out meals in advance and not getting caught in the fast food drive thru line is my main thing. If I can plan out the meals and have the food at home and get home in time to cook before I get hungry, I’m cool. But if not- everything is out the window and I’m scrounging for food “just today” not seeing that it’s a pattern and a habit. My days have got to be more structured so I can eat natural, live food made by my hands.

Without weighing yourself or looking at a BMI chart how many pounds away do you think you are from your target weight?

40 pounds

Difficult patch

I'm coming out of a very difficult few weeks. I guess it all started when I was in my girlfriends wedding. I had to wear an orange dress and I just didn't feel comfortable. I was in LA where everyone is skinny and it's all about looks and...I should've come home and debriefed, but I didn't and I guess I began to internalize and feel bad about myself. This sparked a three week eating binge. Seriously I was out of control. I was eating twix and ice cream and pizza for five days straight. I was feeling sad and empty and overwhelmed. Even though my dreams were coming true in terms of my book and cd being completed, something in me was going on self-destruct mode. How could I be on the verge of accomplishing so much but still not believe I was worthy> Waht would people think if htey knew the truth? I hid my insecurities and shame beneath the food that I continued to consume. I didn't go shopping for the past three weeks and we ate fast food for every meal. I know the only way to ensure that this never happens again is to come clean. I am not the only one who is struggling with weight and food and image and control. I felt so raw about my divorce, and still loving my ex-husband, and my father, our relationship was getting closer but them I wasn't telling him that I no longer lived in the house that he owned, and as I came clean about that I risked his rejection and being rejected was the worst thing for me right now.

I don't think about people rejecting the book and CD because I wrote this primarily for myself, it was theraputic and cathartic, but the personal sense of failure and rejection from another divorce and from the ups and downs of my relationship with my father pushed me back to my consummate friend: food. Only this time food was not my friend, it threatened to send me into bad health and misery. When I realized that the barrage of emotions were primarily stemming from my impending one year wedding anniversary, I was able to reach out for help- to my new boss as work: Nancy Hood. She helped me call and make an appointment with a nutritionist. A tearful confession to Troy Rice led to more clarity and understanding. He urged me to just go to the grocery store, which I had adamately avoided for three weeks. Take it step by step. Sure enough, as hard as it was to go to the grocery store (after going to Wendy's one last time) it has turned the tide. I've been fast food-free for three days today and honestly I feel so much better: mind, body and spirit.

When you think you have conquered, something rears it's ugly head to show you that you are STILL a work in progress. I'm determined to beat what I see as an addiction once and for all.

Dealing With my Weight-220

Well, by now you all know my list of accomplishments, and my list of failures. Most of the failures I have dusted myself off, picked myself up and kept it moving. But now it's time to confront something I do not want to blog about. My weight. I am currently 220 on a 5' 3" frame. That makes me Obese- with a BMI of 39 (30 and over is obese). I read a statistic yesterday that 81.6% of Black women are overweight and 53.9% obese. Sure we look good but we are dying. I love that Tupac phrase from keep your head up "dying inside/but outside your looking fierce." That describes so many of us. I have to do something about my weight. Everytime I go to the Dr. I hold my breath while I get my blood pressure taken wondering if this will be the time it will go above 120/80. The last time I had my sugar read, I cried, thinking of the whole pack of butter cookies I ate while on a trip to NYC. I was relieved when once again I got a pass, but how long with the grace and mercy last? I'm ready to do something. All year I've been inconsistently working on my weight and growing frustrated that nothing has "worked." I look smaller but the scale insists that I'm the same weight as when I started being vegetarian, working out on the wii, eating one meal a day, cutting out fast food, cutting out soda (for a minute). But the frustration of not seeing the results pushed me back into the "regular" eating habits we enjoy as Americans: fast food, soda, snacks, late night dining, no exercise, etc.

How is today any different from any other day? I have you. And I believe that this will speak to some of you and motivate you to join me in doing something. I know Shuida, Drea, Lashunda have all been working hard and maybe we just need each other to motivate, to know that in the words of the late MJ: "You are not alone, I am here with you." (OK maybe that was corny) Anyway, let me know how you feel via FB or blog. I'm detoxing- and doing the 50 million pound challenge, and I read Dr. Ian's latest (and best) book: the 4 Day Diet. Anybody wanna join me in reversing the trend?

What a Difference a Week Makes

I had a health crisis this week. This time last week I was in a hotel at Vassar College suffering from anemia, leg cramps, charlie horses, shortness of breath, hives, asthma, and severe allergies. I was at the bottom of my game. It was definitely a wake up call. Since I separated from my husband I have been using food to nurse my wounds: turning to too many burgers from Steak and Shake, soda, pizza, and anything that brought comfort. But all that came to a halt this Monday. Motivated by Vassar Grads Toya Lilliar and Yolanda Sabio who both have had amazing weight loss success I decided to unlearn the bad and remember the good things I know about nutrition and exercise. I read Dr. Ian Smith's "4 Day Diet" book which addresses a lot of the emotional components of obesity. I had to acknowledge that I was obese with a BMI of 39 and a starting weight of 220. I had to get on the Wii Fit, something I have been dreading since I bought it in February and look at those numbers on my flat screen TV. It was humbling and sobering, yet I love my body, it has served me well over these years and it deserves better fuel and energy sources. I read in Dr. Ian's books that people take better care of their cars than they do their bodies. We never give our car anything but gasoline even when we are pressed for time or have financial constraints. Yet we reach for depleting and undervalued food when we are hungry rather than the foods we know are best for our welfare. Getting a glucose reading yesterday and waiting for the results and praying that I wasn't diabetic (like my mom, paternal grandmother and a close friend) was tough. I shed tears and whispered prayers and promises to both God and myself. I watched the blood pressure reading rise to 143/83 and thought of the salt I had been intaking over the past couple of weeks. We must be more mindful, proactive, and take better care of our temples.

This was a wake up call for me. I never want to feel this bad again, ever. So I pressed and Detoxed this week. It wasn't that hard after the first two days. I just thought about the alternative, feeling bad, looking bad, and getting used to it and I decided to persevere. That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger. But we shouldn't just be getting stronger, we should be getting smarter. And taking care of this body is smart! And it feels good!

It's About Time to Write

Coming out of a fog is always difficult. You forget what things look like without seeing them through the thick patch in front of you. I'm still processing what my fog was, but it was real and it was transparent, and hard to catch...But real nevertheless. Now, here I am on the other side, seeing things fresh and new, wondering how I got here (again) but feeling comfortable in myability to keep it moving. My facebook status yesterday was "better to have loved and have lost than to never have loved at all." I'm not sure I subscribe to that philosophy overall but it's where I was yesterday. My most recent love took my heart to Israel and Auswitz and back to the hood. A love so simple, yet so complicated, mired with problems with language, culture, race, religion, economics, social strata- you name it. But we took a chance on love, we gambled and won in the short term but lost in the long term. For once, I have a man who's not the bad guy. It just wasn't meant to be in this lifetime. He was a young man without kids who wanted a big family, but couldn't really handle raising kids that weren't his. He didn't know it was a problem until we were this far into it and I'm glad we realized it before anyone (he) got hurt.

My kids are my life force, and as much as I loved being in love and being loved, it was empty at the end of the day if it wasn't the best thing for my kids. My partner wasn't sure he wanted to stay in America, anyway and is making plans to return to Israel post-divorce. Facebook has turned into such a large part of my life that it was an ordeal yesterday to delete his pictures from my page. It was almost ceremonial- erasing him from the place he occupied for such a brief but meaningful time. And now I'll throw myself into my kids, my work, my scholarship, my purpose, hoping that I'll get another stab at love.

This time I'll know and more importantly EXPECT so much more!

Back on Track!

It's been nearly a year since I blogged and so much has happened it will take weeks to catch up. In the meantime, I wanted to clear my head about something I've been wrestling with: my weight and my finances. For the past three years I have gotten so much of my life together: I finally passed the bar exam!!!! Returned to Graduate School and got married to the man of dreams. It has been a great time, the kids are getting bigger and smarter and I feel great about my life. However, I still don't feel that I have a handle on my weight or my finances. I'm not at my largest size, neither am I at my smallest. I'm in a weight that has been comfortable for me, but my body is not comfortable. I have backaches, headaches, I'm tired a lot and walking across campus is a strain. As a result, I have been trying to do something about it. I guess that's been the problem: I've been trying but not doing. I remember one time at Landmark Forum when the leader said there's no such thing as "trying:" you either do it or you don't. So today is the day I am doing something.

The issues I am facing are thus:
1) Discipline
2) Consistency
3) Joy in the process
4) Healthy Role Models
5) Small rewards for small success

I didn't grow up playing sports, or playing much in the backyard. Exercise comes hard to me. I joke that after slavery, I'm still tired. All that free labor, I just want to chill. But I have to work on my body in order to have a body that will benefit me for the future. Just like anything else, it will be a habit if you just do it consistently. That is point two: exercise sometimes hurts, and due to our pain avoidance once I have experienced pain, my goal is to avoid the source of that pain. So, I have often exercised one day gotten all excited over it and never done it again. Finding joy in the process means doing exercises that are fun. I bought my kids a Wii over Christmas break and I have been playing tennis, baseball and bowling. I also got Dance Revolution which is a good workout too. Now, if I could just get consistent with using all the tools I've invested in- I'd get somewhere. Having healthy role models means having people around that reinforce the need to make healthy choices on a daily basis. It means seeing people like Taishya Adams, Kim Davis and Ashley Koff who have transformed their bodies and taken control of their lives in amazing ways. It is obvious how much eating live foods affects your mind, body and soul. There is a glow and a radiance that comes from feeding yourself the foods that contribute to life and not death.

Finally, I've decided to reward myself for my effort. Every week that I work out consistently, I will put away $10 and I have asked my husband to contribute $10. This money will go towards my new clothes that I will buy for my birthday. It is 30 days away and if I can work on these things for the next 30 days I can take control of my weight forever!

It's Over Now

I have been in a storm for what seems like years now. 2004 was the last time I can remember just chilling. Since then it's been like a hustle todos los dias! Back in '04 I graduated from law school, prepared to pass the Bar Exam, I was secure in my marriage, my church home, my faith, my family. It was all good. Then in an instant it was all bad. What a difference a day makes...

First I failed the bar
Then George Bush was elected president (illegally, again)
Then I was ostracized from my church family for openly speaking out against the Republicans use of the church for votes
Then I left my church home of 5 years
Then my husband wanted to stay at the church that I had decided to leave
Then I found a new, wonderful church home
Then my son had surgery for sleep apnea
Then my husband left for Greece for the summer, although I was totally opposed to the idea for spiritual, physical, financial, and educational reasons
Then my daughter was diagnosed with epilepsy (around this point, my friend Gabrielle emailed me and said how much more can you take??? NEVER say that to someone going through a storm)
Then my husband left
Then I got divorced
Then I lost my job
Then I failed the bar again
Then I got pregnant with twins by someone I didn't want to marry
Then I was put on bedrest for five weeks
Then the twins were born at 27 weeks (but they survived- a silver lining in the clouds)

Since the twins were born I have maintained, not necessarily anymore obvious drama, but little storms here and there. Just this year:
I battled the flu for three weeks (the kids were sick for two weeks)
Studied for and took the bar exam again
Had my car hit by an uninsured motorist
The whole family got gastrointeritis (after the flu isn't that so unfair, how much bodily fluids can one take?)
Took Grandma to the hospital thinking she had gastrointeritis only to find out my Grandma has Colon Cancer
Helped my Grandma battle Colon Cancer (stage 2- surgery, only treatment)
Had my Mom stay with me for a month (those who know me well will know this may have been a bigger storm than colon cancer)
And finally I have decided, willed, prayed, and declared that
THE STORM IS OVER!!!!

In the last week, I've had some wonderful things happen to me:
I won a fellowship to pay for my Graduate School education
I wrote a proposal for an organization which rec'd a $12K grant
I passed the Professional Responsibility part of the Bar Exam
I had a great visit from the children's father
My mother went back home
My father and I reconnected in a major way
I dealt with anger and did not sin.
And I am still here, laughing, smiling and believing that the best is yet to come...

Maybe I can't control the storms that come but I can control the altitude I choose to fly. I fly as high as I can, close to the SON where I know I'll be safe. It's not by strength but through Christ that I am able to stand, love, create, and hope. I will love again, Ihope to share my life in marriage with the man of my dreams (I hope you are reading, dear), and I hope to raise the most amazing set of children that Columbus, Ohio has ever seen. I cannot do that without a higher power leading, guiding, teaching, and healing me through it all.

This is my last blog under "Soaring Through the Storm" it was a long steady shower, with lots of sunshowers along the way. But it's time to the sun to come out and stay for a while. So, join me on my other blog: blackgirlsong.blogspot.

My friend Kim told me I live to be the Phoenix rising from the ashes. But think of how much you could accomplish if you didnt' always have to rise from the ashes. I didn't get what she was saying then, but I do now. I'm over the Phoenix complex, I just want to do the dang thang. I hope you have learned something from my Storm. Don't let it take this much turbulence to have you fly close to the SON. One Love, Tanikka.

Living Life Like Its Golden

One thing we should have learned by now is that life is too short. We can think of plenty of people who died too young and we shook our heads and thought surely it would never be us. We think of our own mortality and the inevitable ending of those we love the most. But sometimes it is a shock when we have to face losing those people who mean the most to us. This is the way it is with my Grandma. She's 85, which is old to a lot of people. But her mother lived to be 100 years old, so my family has an unnatural idea of how long people should live. However, over the last couple of weeks I was forced to deal with my Grandmother's mortality. I took her to the ER after she seemed to be battling the flu/gastrointeritis. It had hit the whole family but she was having a hard time recuperating. A CT scan of the adominal showed Colon Cancer. Initially, I was in denial and refused to believe that she was that sick. However, after the tumor was removed in surgery two days later, a biopsy confirmed that it was cancer. I've been in shock and trying to deal with the implications of a woman I think is so strong being weak. She came home in a week and is recuperating, but she's not the same Grandma (yet). I remain optimistic, but I also remain dedicated to the fact that each day could be the last (for any of us) and that I need to live each day to the fullest. Who is on your list that you have not called yet, or emailed in a while, or kissed, hugged or spent time with. God is good and always provides what we need when we need it. I'm not saying it has been easy. But each day gets a little easier as I see God's hand carefully guiding my family through yet another storm. I had to return to this blog because 'soaring through the storm' has certainly been the teme for the past few years. In His Love....Nique